


an act of infinite optimism

by phloridas



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Era (Phandom), Canon Compliant, Divorce, Family, Happy Ending, M/M, Mother-Son Relationship, Motherhood, Multi, POV Outsider, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2020-03-07 11:40:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18872494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phloridas/pseuds/phloridas
Summary: Raising an exuberant child is easy. Raising a moody teenager who wants nothing to do with you, though, is another thing entirely.But maybe Dan's fascination with a certain 22-year-old can teach Karen a thing or two about being a mother—and herself.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [maybeformepersonally](https://archiveofourown.org/users/maybeformepersonally/gifts).



> _“[Motherhood is] the biggest gamble in the world. It is the glorious life force. It’s huge and scary—it’s an act of infinite optimism.”_ —Gilda Radner
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you SO much, Elle, for providing such amazing prompts that I totally fell in love with, especially this one! I hope you don't mind that I ran away with it a little, but I'm super happy with how this turned out so hopefully you enjoy it too!
> 
> Huge thanks to the amazing Alex and Alexis for their much needed cheerleading and super helpful suggestions! <3
> 
> DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. While it is heavily based on canonical events, in no way do I cast these aspersions on Dan and his family, nor am I saying this is exactly what happened. This is just one interpretation, based loosely on my own family and our experiences, that I thought would make a good story. I ask that you please don't comment saying that I'm invading Dan or his family's privacy or anything as again, this is fiction. Thank you for understanding, and happy reading! :)

There’s no handbook for raising a teenager.

Sure, there’s those “self help” books all the way in the backs of the bookshops, often sporting sky blue covers and beaming parents that have nothing in common with Karen. But those can’t tell you how to raise your own teenager.

Well, maybe they can. Yet Karen was quite sure they couldn’t tell her how to raise a Daniel.

To her credit, she and James had given him some fun days as a child. Karen prided herself on that. Maybe she didn’t know a damn thing about babies at 25, but she could at least be a cool mum. Most of the time.

So what was she supposed to do when her once exuberant child started spending all his time in his bedroom and turning down all her invitations for fun days out?

It was a blessing her own mum was always right around the corner. With her husband James often whisked away to some exotic country or another with his movies, Veronica had swooped in, vowing to raise Dan “properly” and show Karen a thing or two about being a responsible adult. Her words had hurt at the time, but Karen had grown enough by now to know how sorely she’d needed that.

And when she’d confessed years ago how scary and confusing it was to watch her once cheerful boy grow sullen, Veronica was there to ease her worries with her calm and steady perspective. Karen appreciated that, more than her mother would ever know.

So, with a bruised heart and not nearly enough time on her hands to deal with two bickering boys, what else could she do but pour her limited energy into Adrian? At least he still had a few years of childlike wonder ahead of him.

And alright, maybe things just grew harder for her and Dan after that. But Karen had spent enough time feeling shut out by her own mother that she knew when to steer clear. Dan would come around, just like Veronica had.

Unfortunately, Karen was still waiting for that day. But with uni decisions coming up, setting aside their differences now felt more crucial than ever.

So maybe that’s why she found herself in the lounge on Dan’s Results Day, bills laying forgotten on the coffee table as her ears were tuned to the sound of every car that drove past the window.

Finally, a set of wheels came crunching up their drive, followed a minute later by a door slam and...oh shit. She should probably look like she’s doing something other than waiting around for her eighteen-year-old son, shouldn’t she?

She snatched a pen off the table in front of her, tapping it rapidly against her chin just as the front door creaked open to reveal a slouching young boy. As always, his hair was straightened within an inch of its life, flopping over one eye in that style that seemed to be all the rage with teenagers these days. Karen didn’t quite understand it but if it made her son happy, she didn’t see any harm in it.

“Oh hello, Daniel.” The coolness in her tone surprised her, so she made an effort to soften it. “Everything went alright, I hope? Reckon you’ve got a solid lot of uni offers to choose from.”

Karen didn’t think it possible but somehow, Dan deflated even more. It only lasted a second, though, before he folded his papers with a sharp crease and nodded, smiling. It didn’t reach his eyes.

“Yeah, it’s...gonna be a tough decision. Think I’m gonna go talk with my friends about everything.”

Dan was halfway to his bedroom when it occurred to Karen.

“You didn’t discuss this at school? You were gone so long, I thought for sure…”

He stopped in his tracks. “I--I meant with Ericka. She got her results earlier today but we were gonna wait till I got mine so we could discuss them together.” His paper crinkled in his fist.

“Oh, that’s sweet. Go ahead then, I suppose. But I imagine Dad and Nana will want to know your results too.”

“Yeah, I’ll tell them,” Dan mumbled, then scurried into his room without another word.

Karen didn’t see him again until late that night, when she knocked hesitantly on his bedroom door. “Daniel? I know you’re still awake. Your dad and I want to discuss your results with you.”

There was nothing but silence for a few seconds, then, “Really? You guys never want to talk about school but now you’re suddenly interested? Isn’t that Nana’s job?”

That hurt. But Karen just bristled, instead saying, “Well, we thought it would be nice to have a chat about where you’re going next. It’s not that long ago that I was in uni myself. But if you think you can handle it on your own, be my guest.” She kept her tone fair and even.

Dan was an adult now, after all. Her own mother may have kept her on a tight leash, but Karen would sooner die than do the same for either of her sons.

A sigh, then, “Alright. I _guess._ I’m pretty sure I know what I’m doing, though.”

“Good. Then let’s talk about it, yeah?” She turned back to the lounge, where James was already sitting. A few seconds later, she heard a door creaking open.

Once everyone was gathered around the coffee table, James started them off. “So. Got some good marks then, I reckon?”

Karen knew he had an equally hard time connecting with their eldest son, but she wished he wouldn’t have such high expectations. She didn’t quite know how to communicate that to him, though, especially with Dan in the recliner beside them, So she resigned herself to frowning at the carpet.

His papers still facedown on his knee, Dan mumbled, “Yeah, I mean, they’re alright, I suppose.”

“Your uni offer was rather difficult, I recall?” Karen asked.

“Yeah. Triple A.”

“Well, your teachers all say what a smart lad you are,” James cut in. “I imagine you’ve got a load of unis to choose from.”

“I...see yeah, that’s the thing.” Dan sighed.

Karen hated how much he was squirming. She wanted to reach her arm around the couch and rest it on his shoulder in silent reassurance. But she just...couldn’t. Things hadn’t been that way with her and Dan, not for years and years.

Besides, wasn’t she supposed to be letting go? This was just easier on both of them.

Still, it hurt to see her son so intimidated by his own father. She knew James wanted the best for him, he just had a funny way of showing it.

“Daniel? Hon, what’s the thing?”

The softness in her voice was shocking, even to Karen.

She was so good at playing the mediator in these situations, so careful to keep her emotions controlled so she’d never lose sight of the bigger picture. She’d spent too many years acting silly and childish before reality had decided to snap her between its heavy jaws. It was safer this way, assessing a situation before reacting.

But brains have a funny way of misbehaving, especially when they’re so full of concerns. Maybe Karen needed to start meditating again.

“I, er--I didn’t get the psychology grade. I only went AABB.”

Karen and James just blinked at him.

“But it’s fine, I’ve got things figured out!” Dan hastened to add. “I figured I could use some time to get together a good personal statement anyway, so I’m gonna take a gap year and resit my exam in February. Ericka and I both thought it was the best choice, even if it means she’s going to uni and I’m not.” He twirled his cloth bracelets around and around on his wrist, refusing to look at either parent.

Silence roared amongst the three of them. Karen could only stare at her son, feeling a bit like she’d been punched in the chest.

Sure, his scores were pretty great, considering. And of course a gap year wasn’t all that bad. She had considered taking one herself, after her own A Levels had sucked everything out of her. Ultimately, though, she’d carried on, afraid of missing out on all the parties and getting left behind by her friends.

And then she’d wound up right back in the place she’d tried so hard to escape from, unable to use her degree yet unwilling to study anything else.

Things weren’t so bad, though. She’d found a man who shared her love of travel and had a job that afforded it. And of course, she had two bright, independent boys, one of whom would eventually be studying law.

She glanced to the left, but her husband’s dark eyes and blank expression revealed nothing until he said, “Well. Your girlfriend’s a real problem solver, I like that. You’ll be doing some work experience then?”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, yeah, of course!”

“Good,” James replied. “Your gap year’s only worth as much as you put into it, you know. I don’t want you wasting all your time on the internet, or out with friends.”

“Dad, I’m already working at ASDA. I couldn’t do that anyway.”

Finally, Karen found her voice. “Well, I hope you know we support your decision wholeheartedly,” she told him.

Reaching across the space between the sofa and the armchair, she rested a hand on Dan’s leg and he visibly deflated. “I’m sure Nana will too. I could tell her next time she stops by, if you’d like?”

“Nah, I can do it. But thank you, Mum.” Dan shot her a quick smile but even Karen could see the careful trepidation behind it.

It broke her to see her son always on guard. But she had no clue how to change that.

Soon after, they all said good night and retired to their bedrooms, Karen popping into Adrian’s to remind him to get some sleep. He would be returning to school in a few weeks, after all, even if Dan apparently wasn’t.

And once her teeth were brushed and her day clothes traded for soft pajamas, she found herself grateful for this alone time with her husband. After the shock of these last few minutes, they really needed to talk.

“I have to admit, I’m a bit worried about Daniel,” she started, once they’d both slipped beneath their old and fraying duvet. “I mean, I’m pretty sure he’ll be alright with this gap year but…”

“No, no, I get what you’re saying,” James interrupted. “I’m quite worried too. He was right on track for uni, what happened?”

“He’s a _teenager_ ,” Karen sighed. “Don’t you remember how hard your A Levels were?”

“Yeah, of course, but he’s an--”

“Adult now, I know. But just barely. Don’t you remember how difficult things were when you were eighteen? How it felt like life was crashing into you at full force, with no way to stop it?”

In all honesty, Karen didn’t want to be arguing with her husband right now. She never did, even if arguing was one of the things she did best. Maybe James wasn’t that bright eyed, goofy DJ she once knew him to be. Maybe his youthful face had grown weary, his dark hair and anything goes attitude traded for salt and pepper curls and practicality.

But she knew there was still a hint of that boy she fell so hard for on that beach in Kenya all those years ago. She just had to guide him out of his shell.

Perhaps he was thinking of that beach too, or one of their many getaways long ago, when traveling was simpler and real life could be left behind on a single plane ride, since James’s eyes had grown soft for just a second. But they darkened just as quickly.

“Alright. I suppose he can have some fun,” he conceded. “But being an adult means being responsible for yourself, learning how to navigate things on your own. He shouldn’t need us nagging him about every little thing. The sooner he learns that, the better.”

Karen bit her lip. Perhaps it was the soft light from their single lamp, or this late hour, but she had to admit he had a point. Still, her heart ached.

“Sure, I suppose,” she huffed, sinking down into her pillow before turning to lock her eyes with her husband’s. “But hey, you’ve gotta promise me you’ll go easier on him. If he’s anything like either of us, that boy’s making life hard enough for himself as it is.”

James was silent for a moment. Then finally he said, “Alright. But he does need to grow up one of these days. You know as well as  I do that the world doesn’t wait for you to be ready.”

She did. And at that, they both curled into their pillows, too exhausted for anything but sleep.

Just as Karen was switching off the light, though, old Bangy nosed his way through their half open door and tucked himself in at her feet, tail swishing softly. The reminder of his younger days lightened Karen’s heart, if only a little.

Still, her sleep was restless that night at best.

She really did need to start meditating again. Sooner rather than later.

 

***

Early September passed as normally as ever. Adrian returned to school, Karen and James continued their office jobs (when he wasn’t on set, there was always plenty for James to do down in London), and Karen’s mum came over most days to help out with food or laundry or chatting with the boys--whatever needed to get done. Dan still spent most of his time in his room, but Karen paid it little mind.

That is, until she heard soft voices drifting from the crack in his doorway.

It wasn’t like she was spying on him or anything. Karen wasn’t one of _those_ parents. She was just popping in Adrian’s room to tell him good night and was about to do the same with Dan too, when she happened to hear him murmuring--on the phone with Ericka, no doubt--and figured she’d leave him to it. She remembered how young love felt.

A few days later, however, she began to hear a voice distinctly different from Dan’s. Different from Ericka’s too, as it was much lower and...was that a hint of a northern accent? More importantly, why would Dan be talking on speakerphone at these late hours?

Well, maybe he was too tired to hold the phone to his ear. Karen certainly understood that. And phone speakers were so shite, it probably was just another school friend he was chatting with. Or a friend of a friend. Yet the way Dan was speaking….

No. It wasn’t Karen’s room to pry. He was just being an eighteen year old. Dan could explain himself in due time. Or not, if he so chose.

He _was_ an adult, after all.

 

***

Karen didn’t want to do this.

In all honesty, she never wanted to talk about her own children with her mother. It probably had to do with some deep-seated fear of being told she was doing things all wrong, another way her stubborn brain failed to change at forty-three. Things were so much better these days, especially now that Karen’s mum had seen her raise one child successfully into adulthood.

Still, she couldn’t shake that damn worry, no matter how hard she tried.

Stepping into the kitchen after work with a hardened shell and a quiet hesitation, Karen knew instantly it would be impossible to adopt her normal breezy attitude. Stupid brain.

At least she could take some of her stress out on these peanut butter cookies.

“Hey, Mum,” she sighed, joining Veronica at the counter. “Want some help there?”

Veronica shot her a look, eyebrows knit tight in suspicion, but slid her a bowl and the dry ingredients anyway. “Well thank you, Karen. I didn’t think you were one for cooking.”

“It’s nice to do something that’s not dealing with money. Plus, I’ve always prefered baking to cooking. Less steps, generally.”

It was hard to look at her mother these days. Her short grey curls, whitening more with each passing year, her shrinking frame and her rapidly thinning skin were all a testament to her age, even if she was as sprightly as ever. But if her mum was this old already...

Yeah, no. Karen wasn’t going to think about that now. Or ever, as long as she could avoid it.

She felt her mum’s gaze on her again, but Karen just washed her hands in silence.

“There’s not something you want to talk about then?”

She should’ve known her mum would see right through her thinly veiled nonchalance. Well, there was no point in hiding it now.

“Fine, you got me.” She consulted the worn index card for a moment before measuring out the flour.

“I guess I’m just a bit worried about Daniel. I mean, I think the gap year’s a good idea for him. But what about his exam resit? I remember how things were at that age, it was impossible to see why school mattered.”

“Oh, I remember,” Veronica smiled ruefully. “I think you’re underestimating how bright your son is, though.”

“Mum, of course I know he’s smart. I just--”

“Is James getting in your head again?” Veronica waved a wooden spoon at her daughter. “Because I can assure you _both_ that Daniel’s going to be just fine. He may be the biggest procrastinator I know but he still got two As and two Bs at A Level. That’s not easy these days.”

It wasn’t. A burst of pride sparked in her then, the first one Karen allowed herself to feel since Dan had revealed his scores.

“Yeah, I—I suppose,” she said, measuring and pouring in the rest of the ingredients before adding them into the peanut butter mixture.

Veronica started stirring everything together then, one eye on her bowl and the other fixed on Karen. “Hey. Don’t listen to your husband’s worries. You two raised a good lad. I may owe you an apology for doubting you eighteen years ago.” She smiled softly in an offering of peace.

Well. Karen blinked down at the granite, feeling a bit like the world was tilting under her. Somehow, it didn’t feel as satisfying as she imagined it would.

“Wow, I--thanks, Mum. I appreciate that.”

Distantly, a key turned in the front door. Karen glanced at the oven clock. Adrian’s been home from school for a while and James usually didn’t get home until late so…

Ah. Dan must have gone out after work.

Well, good for him. He should be seeing his friends before they all left, anyway. He was spending a worryingly large amount of time in his room over the last month.

“I do think you should be spending more time with him, though,” her mum added. “James, too. He only gets one set of parents and he’s quite lucky to have the two of you.”

A knot formed in Karen’s stomach then, but she pasted on a smile as Dan ambled into the room.

“Hey, Nana. Hi, Mum,” he greeted, eyes settling on the large bowl between the two women. “Oh my god Nana, are those--”

“For _after_ dinner,” Veronica chided him, shaking her head as Dan dipped a finger in the dough anyway. “I do hope your hands are clean, young lad.”

“They’re fine!” Dan protested, slipping them in his pockets a bit sheepishly.

“Hi, love. Have a nice day at work?” Karen asked. She hoped she sounded normal. Truth be told, she couldn’t tell herself.

“Yeah, it was fine.” Dan pulled his phone out, biting his lip as he glanced at the screen. “Hey, I’m gonna head back to my room. Call me when dinner’s ready?” And he shuffled out of the kitchen before Karen or her mum had a chance to say anything.

“Alright but wash your hands!” Veronica called after him. Then she turned back to Karen, offering her a generous smile. “Good job. Now just do that five hundred more times and you might get a little insight on his life.”

Karen smirked. “Yeah, yeah. Thank you, Mum. And thanks for the cookies. And letting me help and...stuff.”

“You’re welcome. See, I told you he’s doing just fine.”

She was right, as always. Now if only Karen could tell that to the Dan-sized worry in the back of her mind.

 

***

The rest of that month breezed past as Septembers did in the Howell house. Adrian appeared to be adjusting well to secondary school, although he did complain of feeling stuck in his brother’s shadow.

Still, his birthday at the end of the month was a joyous celebration that lifted even Dan’s spirits. Of course, he did spend the entire dinner thoroughly distracted with his phone under the table, so maybe it wasn’t the tiny party that was boosting his mood at all.

But whatever. It got him out of his room and with family, which was frankly all that Karen cared about.

October arrived with little fanfare, its days growing a bit shorter and nights chillier. Karen was even beginning to feel a routine in Dan’s days at home, happy to let him come and go as he pleased.

That was, until one night when he cautiously poked his head into the lounge soon after James had returned from work and Veronica had left for her Sudoku club.

“Mum? Dad?” he squeaked. “There’s, uh….something I wanna talk about with you guys. If that’s okay?”

Karen’s stomach instantly filled with ice. Ericka was pregnant, wasn’t she? And it was Dan’s.

She _knew_ she should’ve drilled the importance of protection harder into him. Of course her frequent warnings of how much responsibility and work went into raising a child hadn’t gotten through to him. Teenage boys only had one thing on their minds.

Well, at least they’d both been legal for a while now, not that that mattered…

“Yeah sure hon, come in,” she heard herself say from far away.

Now, she’d really have to be careful of everyone’s feelings. One look at James’s set jaw told her he had the same suspicions she did.

God, she hoped they were wrong.

Dan shuffled in, plopping himself down in the same white armchair where he’d revealed his gap year plans, his hands now clasped so tightly together that his knuckles were growing white. His dark eyes darted around the room, refusing to look at either parent and eventually settling on the coffee table in front of them.

“So uh...I know you guys have been pretty cool about letting me go where I want on this gap year and like, I do appreciate that and stuff…”

“Yes…” James said, his tone dripping with suspicion.

Karen just offered what she hoped was her most encouraging nod, given the circumstances.

“Yeah. And, uh, that’s been really cool and all,” Dan continued, screwing his face up in agony. “So I’ve been looking at unis too, since I figure that would be a good idea and er...there’sthisguyI’vebeentalkingto who’s, er, reallyniceandstuff and...and offeredtoshowmearoundManchester in...in acoupleweeks. Since I’m, er, thinkingofgoingthere and all.”

Wait. So his girlfriend wasn’t pregnant?

Karen could almost cry with relief.

But what was that about a guy? And Manchester?

“Whoa. Slow down there, love,” she said.

Again, she was filled with the urge to reach a hand out, if only to stop the trembling that was tearing her in two. The idea of Dan going so far away raised some alarm bells, as did his crimson blush and the clear terror in his voice. Still, she wished he didn’t feel so intimidated.

“I’m glad you’re looking into unis, it really is best to do it early,” she continued. “But who’s this...guy that you’ve been talking to? Is he your age? Older? And are you sure he’s as nice as he sounds?”

“Yeah, I’m quite curious too,” James added, his eyes narrowing.

“He’s great!” Dan answered, a bit breathlessly. “His name’s Phil, he’s a little bit older but we like all the same things and--and he, er, makesvideosonthiswebsitecalledYouTube.”

“He doesn’t have a job?” James’s eyes were nothing but slits now, his frown taking up his entire face.

“He’s like my age, Dad, you know how hard it is for kids to get jobs now!”

“You have a job. You’ve had two now, actually,” James pointed out.

“Yeah, but they don’t count,” Dan mumbled. “They’re barely anything.”

“Well, they’re something to put on your CV. That counts for something at least,” Karen offered.

The wounded look Dan gave her screamed _you’re not helping._ Oops.

She bit her lip and glanced down at the carpet.

Silence blanketed the three of them, suffocating Karen and leaving her feeling like her voice had left her for good. Finally, James spoke up.

“Your mother’s right, you know. These places were quite generous to offer you positions. And speaking of,” he added, “how many days were you planning on taking off for this? I doubt ASDA is too keen on letting you take any time off, especially so soon after the Reading Festival...incident.”

Both Dan and Karen flushed scarlet at that one. But Karen shooed the embarrassment away because honestly, how was she to know that Dan had called in sick? It was ASDA, for crying out loud--all those big chains were the same. Surely his manager wouldn’t have _actually_ cared.

Dan sighed. Well, it was more of a huff, actually.

Karen bit her lip, knowing how that irritation would come off to James. She wanted more than anything to tell her husband to lay off but she just...couldn’t. Dan did need to learn to respect his elders, as much as she hated that phrase.

Even if James was annoying the heck out of her too.

“It’s just for three days. I’m leaving the nineteenth and coming back on the twenty-first,” Dan said, all in a rush. “I’m sure work will be fine with it and if not, I can switch shifts with somebody. It’s whatever, it’s fine.”

“Three whole days?” James frowned at him. “I assume you’ve got money for a hotel room, then?”

At this, Dan’s face went as white as the carpet, his eyes darting around the room as if searching for an answer. Karen had a funny feeling where this was going.

Well, even if he did lie, it wouldn’t be a huge deal to her anyway. God knew she’d done the same with her own parents well into her twenties.

“So, Phil, he uh, actually offered to let me stay at his house?” Dan squeaked. “But it’s totally fine, he lives with his parents and they’ll be there the whole time and, like, I know what his room looks like from his videos so I know he’s not a serial killer or anything, I swear!”

“Oh, well....that’s quite...nice of him,” Karen hedged, having finally found her voice. “And, um, how old is he again?”

“He’s...he’s twenty-two,” Dan said, barely above a whisper.

All Karen could do was blink at him.

Oh. Alright. She was expecting eighteen or nineteen because, well, why would a twenty two year old want to be friends with a newly eighteen year old anyway? Sure, she and James were five years apart but she’d at least met him in her mid-twenties, when that sort of thing stopped mattering so much. There’s a lot of growing that happens between those ages…

But then again, Dan had said that they like all the same things. Maybe this Phil was less of a predator and more of a child at heart himself.

A loaded “Hmmm” from James was all anyone said for a moment. Then he added, “And you two are just friends? He’s not got any secret motives, I hope?”

Karen had to shoot him a look then. Yes, she and James had discussed the very real possibility of their son being gay, or bi, and were perfectly accepting of that--Karen herself had been involved with a fair few girls in her early twenties—and yes, she knew James was just worried about Dan. But did he have to bring it up like that?

“No, Dad, god!” Dan’s deep blush returned then, coloring the rosy patch near his jaw a bright crimson. “We’re...we’re _just_ friends. No secret motives or anything, I swear.”

His hesitation and staunch refusal to look either parent in the eye, however, said otherwise.

Karen chose to let it go, though, and desperately hoped that James would too. If Dan really did like Phil in that way, well, he could explain that in his own time. She’d never force something like that out of him.

“Well, good,” James grunted. “I don’t know how things are going with you and Ericka, but…”

“Yeah, about that...we kinda sorta decided that long distance wasn’t gonna work for us. At least, I--I think we did, anyway…”

“Oh Daniel,” Karen said, “I’m so sorry to hear that!”

A part of her longed to walk the couple steps over to the recliner and put her arms around him but instead, she clasped her hands together and offered her most sympathetic face.

Shockingly, this admission hadn’t come as a surprise. She’d seen how strained things had been between them all year, had noticed how rarely they went out. Even when they’d first gotten together, she’d never expected them to last until uni.

(Was it bad that she thought that? It must have crossed Dan’s mind too at some point, he hadn’t been happy with her in a long time.)

“Thanks, Mum.” For the first time that night, Dan offered up a hint of a smile and suddenly, everything felt a bit looser. “I mean, I’m not too upset, I--I think. It was kinda inevitable at this point.”

James, who had been remarkably silent since Dan’s admission, finally spoke up. “Well, I’m quite sorry to hear that too. The two of you did seem quite fond of each other. But onto the subject at hand,” he clapped his hands together, the smack reverberating through the tiny lounge. “I think your mother and I need some time to discuss this. You may be excused. We’ll let you know when we’ve got an answer.”

In response, Dan went ghost white. His eyes grew round with fear, teeth tugging harder than ever at his bottom lip. Yet instead of shaking, he remained frozen and appeared to be having great difficulty getting out of his chair. And in that moment, Karen could tell how much this Manchester trip meant to him.

He was going. No matter what risks were involved. The only question now was how to convince James to agree, too.

Before he fully stumbled into the hallway, Dan turned back to mumble a nervous thank you. Karen couldn’t do anything but nod back, hoping her eyes conveyed the conviction with which she’d fight for him.

Then he was gone, leaving James to stare at her, his eyebrows furrowed in concern.

Karen drew in a breath. Echoes of difficult talks with her own parents played at the edges of her mind, only further confirming why she needed to do this.

“Look, I know it’s a huge gamble and we don’t even really know who this Phil person is but we _have_ to let him go. You saw how badly he wants this and anyway, he deserves to have these experiences while he’s still got the chance!”

“You know, that is a good point. And he should be scoping out his uni choices, the sooner the better…but that’s the thing,” James sighed. “We don’t _know_ who this Phil is and neither does Daniel, probably, if all they’ve been doing is...talking online? I guess?”

“Okay, but he’s a smart boy. And the way he spoke so highly of Phil, I just feel like we’ve got to trust him. He’s eighteen now. He should be able to make his own decisions.”

“These things happen to smart kids too! You’ve heard the news. I can’t in good faith--”

“Look,” Karen clasped her hands together again, willing herself to stay calm. “I don’t know what the statistics are with Internet predators and all but I’m willing to bet they’re a lot lower than we think. Good people exist, and there’s a lot more of them than the bad.”

“Okay…”

“Hey,” she softened her tone. “Wasn’t there something you wanted desperately when you were eighteen? Something that you would have done anything for?”

“Yeah, but those were just stupid parties, they didn’t actually matter--”

“We _met_ at one of those ‘stupid parties,’ I recall,” Karen interjected, her voice now icy. “But can’t you see? This matters to him, more than anything right now. It’s only fair that we let him go.”

Silence settled over them, feeling like an itchy blanket Karen was desperate to rip off. Except this blanket coiled tighter and tighter around her until her heart was in her throat and she was sure she’d never get a deep enough breath again until--

“Okay. Okay, _hypothetically_ let’s  _say_ he’s allowed to go up north. But what about his exam prep? He should really get started on finding some work experience too--”

“It’s three days. I think he’ll be just fine. And besides, the exam isn’t until February. He deserves to have some fun before that.”

“....Alright, I guess. But you’re telling him, not me. It was your idea anyway. Oh, and make sure he knows the risks involved, although I can’t imagine he wouldn’t…”

“I think he’s well aware of the risks. But thank you.”

On the outside, Karen smiled softly at her husband but on the inside, she felt like kicking her arms and legs in the air and screaming.

The look on Dan’s face when she told him the news, though, was worth far more than winning an argument. Maybe things could actually go back to how they were.

Of course, that would take a lot of work from both of them. Yet for the first time ever, it didn’t seem insurmountable anymore.

Perhaps that was progress.


	2. Chapter 2

The next couple weeks swished past in a rush of wind and chill and routine, with Karen hardly noticing anything different until about a week before Dan’s Manchester trip.

As usual, she’d just popped her head into Adrian’s room to say goodnight and was now paused just outside Dan’s corner room, fully expecting to hear the soft voices that had been drifting through the crack in the door every night for the past few weeks. This time, though, there was an edge to Dan’s voice that reminded her so much of the tone she always took when talking with James these days.

There were quite a few pauses too, the ends of Dan’s words dropping away into nothingness. She couldn’t hear the other voice, which meant he must be on the phone. (She’d recently learned about video chatting and assumed that was what Dan had been doing all those other nights even if it made no sense to her. Why not use the phone if you could barely see the other person anyway?)

The logical part of her whispered that she was prying, that Dan could handle this on his own. After all, she’d had plenty of difficult conversations and still managed to make it this far.

Yet her heart longed to push open the door and save her son from whichever terrible person was making him feel this way. Or at the very least, let him know that she was on his side.

Karen wasn’t sure how long she stood there, cycling through the various friends of Dan’s she knew about, trying to find who he’d be this frustrated with, when it finally hit her.

Ericka. There was no way that underlying pain behind the frustration would be about anyone else.

And if Karen was right in thinking that this was their official breakup…

Well. There was no denying the true reason for his northern venture now.

In the end, she decided not to tell James or her mother. She told herself it was because things would be simpler that way but really, she didn’t want them to spoil things for her son.

Dan deserved to have some fun over his gap year. And who was she to stand in the way of what was looking less like a crush and more and more like a budding romance?

There was nothing wrong with chasing after young love. All Karen hoped was that Phil would be careful with Dan’s tender heart.

He would always be their little bear, after all.

 

***

The Howell house had always been tiny.

Veronica would disagree, insisting that it was cozy and that the back garden provided plenty of space for the boys and Bangy to run around. Still, especially as Dan and Adrian grew older, Karen couldn’t shake the feeling that the five of them—six if she counted her mother’s near-constant presence—were packed tight like sardines. Or prisoners.

Yet on the nineteenth of October, Karen could swear it had never felt so empty.

Of course, it was no different to when Dan was in school and free to roam about the neighborhood as he wished. She wasn’t sure why she was having this reaction. It wasn’t like she needed to keep close tabs on him or anything.

It must be because she knew this day was coming. Damn James for making such a big deal out of it at the beginning.

Apparently she wasn’t the only one to notice this either.

“Oh, hi, Mum. Hi, Nana.” Adrian grabbed an orange as he strolled through the kitchen on his way to the lounge. “Is it just me, or does it feel...weird today?”

Of course he knew about his brother’s trip. Karen, in a moment of great courage, had told both him and her mother about it at the same time. Veronica had taken it surprisingly well, but Adrian had pouted, grumbling about how unfair it was that Dan got to have all the fun now.

Karen had assured him that he too could have all the fun holidays he wanted--as soon as he got to uni age, too.

Now, she leaned both elbows on the counter, resting her chin heavily in her hands. “Mmm, it’s not just you, love.” Then, straightening up just as fast as she’d fallen, she added, “But it’s alright, you know? This is what it’s gonna be like when your brother goes off to uni.”

“Yeah...well since Dan’s not here, I’m gonna have a go at the PS2!”

“I expect your homework is finished, young man!” Veronica called from her spot at the sink. She paused her vegetable washing to shoot her grandson a serious look.

“It’s done, I swear! It wasn’t even that much anyway.”

Of course Adrian had already launched himself onto the sofa rather clumsily due to his ever growing limbs. All Karen could see now was his sandy hair poking out just above the white cushions.

She shook her head, although a smile tugged at her lips all the same.

“He misses him, you know. I expect you do too.”

Karen whipped around, blinking at her mother. “No, no, I’m fine.” She smoothed back some stray brunette frizzes into her messy bun. “It’s just a few days and like I said, it is good preparation.”

“Is it really?” Veronica placed a dripping red pepper on a paper towel before picking up a yellow one and running it under the water. “Or are you just trying to make things easier for yourself again?”

“I…”

“Karen, love.” Veronica set this pepper down too, then turned her focus to her daughter. “I know you think you’re doing yourself a favor, keeping Daniel at arm’s length but I know how these things work. You need him just as much as he needs you.”

“I--I do?”

“Yes, of course you do. I know you think he was an accident, and not the happiest one. But God put him in your life for a reason. And it definitely wasn’t for you to flit at the edges of his life, only to make this all hurt less when he finally leaves.”

Karen crossed her arms over her chest, feeling very much like a teenager getting chewed out for everything she was doing wrong. Her heart gave a sharp pang then, however, which further confirmed her mother was right.

“I’m just saying. But love, I do see you trying a bit more and I am proud of you for that.” Veronica offered a soft smile.

Karen blushed. Apparently she still wasn’t used to pleasing her mother.

“Just keep going, yeah? Ask him about Manchester when he comes back, and really listen. I doubt he’ll tell you much but I know he’ll appreciate the gesture.”

Karen turned that over in her mind. “Yeah. I mean, it’ll be late but I’m sure I’ll be up anyway.”

“See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?” Veronica threw an arm around Karen’s shoulder, squeezing it gently. “And let me know what he says because he’ll probably tell his old nana even less than his cool but distant mum.”

Karen laughed. “Alright. Sure thing, Mum.”

And just like that, the house didn’t seem quite so empty anymore.

 

***

Karen was _not_ about to spend the evening of the twenty-first of October on the sofa, waiting for her son to come home.

She wasn’t.

It’s not like she was one of those overbearing parents who kept constant tabs on their kids’ whereabouts. She wasn’t _her_ mum.

But what else was she supposed to do?

The house was spotless, due mostly to Karen’s own constant cleaning whenever anything was out of place. And yeah, maybe there were those budgets she’d brought home from work but just the thought of those made her head pound.

So alright. Maybe she could sit down gingerly on the sofa. And maybe she could reach over, grab the remote, and flick on the TV. It’s not like anyone was there to stop her. Her mum had left hours ago for Sudoku club and James wouldn’t be arriving until long after Dan. (His company’s current attempt to break into America had resulted in months of late nights but of course, it was nothing Karen wasn’t used to at this point.)

Although she’d be hard pressed to find anything good to watch on the few channels that came in through their small flat screen

She wasn’t sure how long she spent scrolling through channels before settling on the news, figuring she could use it as background noise as she inspected their front lounge. Come to think of it, those china cabinets probably needed dusting. And the glass could do with a wipe down too…

Of course she didn’t get that far, as the front door creaked open just seconds after she’d set the remote down on the coffee table. Shifting her gaze to the DVD player, she found the clock indeed showed 20:22. Well. When had it gotten so late?

She turned around hesitantly, despite knowing exactly who she’d find. Sure enough, there was her boy, slipping off his shoes just outside the doors to the lounge and sighing as he straightened up. Yet even at his full height, he curled in on himself in a slump far deeper than the one he’d had on Results Day. Karen was honestly feeling a bit worried about his spine.

_Okay, it’s now or never. You know this is your only chance to talk to him._

As he popped his head through the double doors, she swallowed thickly. “Oh, hi there, Daniel. Didn’t know you’d be coming in this late. How was Manchester?”

She hoped her tone was light enough that he couldn’t tell how hard this was for her too.

Dan flinched, however, gripping at the strap of his messenger bag.as if he were afraid she’d take it from him. He must not have seen her dark brown hair poking above the sofa.

“It was...it was good. I think I’m gonna go upstairs and chill now, if that’s cool?”

The heaviness in his tone and the way he stared so hard the carpet, only flicking his eyes up for a moment at the end of his question said something else, though.

Still, Karen wasn’t about to question it.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” She waved him off. “I’m glad it was good at least.”

And then Dan was off, trotting so quickly up the stairs that Karen thought for sure he’d trip and spill his things everywhere. Yet from the sound of it, he made it up without fail.

 _Well_ , she reminded herself, _he is an eighteen year old boy._ She couldn’t expect him to give her more details than that.

But still. “It was good”? Really?

What use _was_ there in trying to connect when Dan himself had no intention of letting her in?

She heard nothing more from him until just before her bedtime when she found herself outside his door, unable yet again to wish him good night due to the murmuring voices floating from inside.

Again, Dan’s voice was mixed with that familiar distinctly male sound. Both sounded extremely happy, Dan in fact, happier than Karen had heard him in years.

There was no denying it now. So the voice she’d been hearing all this time…

It had to be Phil.

And with the way Dan spoke so softly to him, in a way that reminded Karen so much of her first real love...along with his recent breakup admission…

Yeah, Karen probably shouldn’t be eavesdropping anymore.

Padding over to the bathroom, she found herself turning on the tap and splashing water on her face without feeling the droplets.

Of course she’d suspected this all along. There was no way Dan just wanted to see the city of Manchester that badly. And she didn’t see any problems in all this, so long as Dan was safe.

Still, as she brushed and flossed her teeth, she decided not to tell James or her mother about this. They could find out in their own time.

Besides, it wasn’t her place. Who knew how seriously Dan felt about Phil? Her son had just gotten out of a three-year relationship, after all.

And Manchester was so far away. Even if Dan did manage to get in there for uni, that was a whole year away.

 _No,_ she thought as she tossed her floss in the bin, _I shouldn’t write them off so easily. If Phil’s a thing, well...we’ll find out if we ever get to meet him._

However, she had a funny feeling that _if_ was more of a _when._

 

***

That Saturday, Karen had a plan.

Fueled by her black coffee and the sun pouring in from the kitchen windows, things were feeling a lot better than they were a few days ago.

She needed a change of pace. Dan, too. Something about the crisp air tickling her skin when she leashed Bangy up for his morning walk transported her to a time before her entire family became a mystery to her.

Despite her protestations in the beginning, she’d actually come to enjoy taking Dan on errands when he was little--not that she’d tell anyone, especially her mother. It was nice to have a little helper, and even nicer to hear strangers’ compliments on his good behavior.

(So alright, that wasn’t entirely her doing. But damn it, it felt nice to have that glow of admiration directed at her for once.)

She’d always take him somewhere fun afterwards, as a reward for both of them. Dan probably had no interest in hitting the arcade today but maybe she could convince him to get some ice cream and get some dirt on Manchester while she was at it.

The sudden conviction in these thoughts shocked her. Hadn’t she just been trying to give Dan his space to grow up? To be his own person?

Didn’t she have her own things to worry about?

Her mother’s words must have been getting to her.

At least she was doing something about them this time. That was a lot better than twenty years ago, or even one year ago.

Still, her nerves jangled around so harshly when she returned home that she almost didn’t move from the kitchen chair she’d plopped herself down in.

Somehow, though, she managed to force herself up the stairs and over to Dan’s corner bedroom before she lost all her nerve.

“Daniel?” She tapped at his door, soft at first but then a bit louder. “Hey, get up, please. I need you to help with the grocery shopping today.”

Silence. Eventually, a low grumble trailed into the hallway. “Really? You never need help with the groceries, why now?”

Karen crossed her arms. “Well, I just thought it would be nice to have some company, and a strong pair of arms to haul everything in. This isn’t up for debate. I’m leaving in fifteen minutes.”

“Ugh, _fine._ Just let me get dressed and brush my teeth and all that.” A creak of the floorboards loosened the knot in Karen’s chest just a little. Turning on her heel, she almost walked right into a whimpering Bangy.

Oh, that’s right. She’d been so focused on Dan, she’d forgotten to let Bangy out after his walk, as was customary.

She scratched at the dark fur behind his ears before following him into the kitchen and letting him into the back garden. His skinny tail whipped back and forth in a way that seemed far too energetic for such an old dog. Karen glanced away then, hating the twisting in her chest that came every time she saw the white tendrils that framed his eyes and dripped into his chin like massive Father Christmas eyebrows.

At eighteen years old, that dog wasn’t even supposed to be alive right now. Yet somehow, every year he continued to hop around like a maniac whenever anyone so much as touched his worn red leash, made it that much harder to say goodbye.

Dan joined her in the tiny blue Toyota a few minutes later. The smell of burnt hair and spray-on deodorant clogged Karen’s nose but she chose not to mention it.

A tense silence filled the car those first few minutes, punctuated only by the rev of the motor and the chime that sounded when she put the machine in reverse--and a near-constant buzzing from Dan’s phone. As they headed down the quiet Wokingham roads, Karen almost reached a hand out for the radio knob but decided against it.

If Dan wasn’t going to say anything, she may as well start in now.

She took a sharp breath in through her nose and sighed, keeping her eyes laser focused on the road. “So...you had a nice time in Manchester, then?”

From the corner of her eye, she noticed Dan slump back against his seat, still texting away. All the air rushed out of his lungs in one smooth whoosh.

“Yeah, it was good. The city was cool. So was Phil, and--and his parents. But why do you care?”

The words weren’t said with malice, yet they cut a deep hole in Karen’s armor just the same.

“Daniel, please,” she sighed, turning left into the Tesco car park. “Let’s not start this right now. I’m your mum. Of course I care what’s going on in your life. I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

Of course the entire town just had to show up at this Tesco’s when it was barely past 10 on a Saturday. Of course everyone was going to hear her arguing with her son.

God, why had she brought Dan along anyway? She should’ve known she’d never get an answer out of him.

“As if you ever gave a shit before,” Dan muttered.

That hurt. But Karen just sucked in a deep breath--in through the nose and out slowly, like those meditation CDs were always telling her. She couldn’t allow her feelings to control her, even if her chest was constricting tighter by the second.

Astoundingly, she was able to find a parking spot amidst all her flashing irritation. She even managed to pull the keys out in a smooth, calm motion, despite the shaking in her hands.

Turning to her son for the first time since he’d entered the car, she sighed again. Dan was still focused on that damn mobile, refusing to look at Karen. She sighed.

“Look. We’re not digging up the past right now,” she said in an even tone that did nothing to mask her weariness. “I just thought it might be nice to hear about your travels. I’ve never been to Manchester, you know.”

Finally, Dan shot her a furtive glance. “I told you, it was nice. There’s a big wheel like in London and it’s a lot more modern than Reading.”

His voice may have been sullen but Karen counted it as a win all the same. She smiled before opening the door and stepping into the crisp late October air. Moments later, Dan did the same.

“Well, that is quite nice. Did you happen to go on that wheel, by chance? I imagine it has some lovely views of the city.”

Even with the sun shining in her eyes, she noticed a deep flush coloring Dan’s cheeks at that. He shoved his hands deeper in the pockets of his dark grey hoodie, shifting ever so slightly away from his mum.

“I...yeah, I did. It was--it was pretty cool, yeah.”

Dan may have mostly been a stranger, but even she could tell there was a lot more to it than that.

Still, she wasn’t going to push it.

Stepping through the automatic doors a few seconds later with a new confidence flowing through her, Karen shot Dan a soft smile as she pulled out a trolley and headed for the produce.

“I’m glad. I hear Manchester is a beautiful city.”

And she left it at that.

Conversation stalled between them after that, their silences filled only with Dan’s phone buzzing and Karen asking him to fetch something or other. Thankfully, the other customers paid them no mind, allowing Karen and Dan to get the trip over with in a quick and efficient manner.

But as she settled back into the driver’s seat, Dan’s angry words pounded in her mind.

_As if you ever gave a shit before._

No. No, she wasn’t going to let this affect her right now. Dan was just being a moody teenager. Karen was doing her best.

Still, after a mostly silent drive home, Dan slipped back into his room as soon as he’d deposited his share of plastic bags on the kitchen table. And Karen let him., even with the growing ache in her chest and a thousand questions burning on her tongue.

Well, she’d know the answers soon enough, even if she had to probe her mum for them.

 

***

Later that afternoon, Karen was back at the kitchen table, this time with a pot of tea sitting between her and her mother.

She brushed a stray lock of mahogany hair back into her permanent updo. “So...I took Daniel grocery shopping this morning. Tried to get him to tell me a little more about Manchester.”

Veronica lit up at that, her dark eyes twinkling as the lines in her face deepened. “Oh, that’s so great to hear! How did it go?”

“Er…” Karen picked up her mug, then set it down again. “Not too great. He didn’t seem to want to talk to me.”

The smile slipped off Veronica’s face, replaced with a thoughtful frown. “Hmmmm. You know, I expect this is throwing him for a loop too.” She tapped the dull, dark wood of the table with a single manicured finger. “I am quite proud you’re making an effort now. But have you apologized for the last few years?”

Karen was thrown back into the hard wood of her chair. Struck silent for a few moments, she once again felt like her teenage self, ready to pick a fight with her mother on every little thing.

“A--apologized? I thought we were turning over a new leaf! The past is the past, all that matters is I’m doing better now.”

Veronica shook her head, taking a long sip of her tea. “Love, doing better now is only half the battle. Daniel probably felt abandoned all those years. Maybe he still does now, to some extent. I think a sincere apology would do a lot to heal those wounds.”

Karen crossed her arms then uncrossed them, running her hands along her upper arms before she noticed how meek she probably looked and grabbed at the ends her long purple sleeves instead. She couldn’t look at her mother, not only because she knew Veronica was studying her with those beady hawk like eyes of hers.

She never could stand her mother’s impeccable ability to lay all Karen’s flaws in front of her.

Couldn’t she lay off it for once? She had to know how hard this was for her.

“I...I guess I’ll think about it,” Karen finally conceded, knowing full well she’d do no such thing. What point was there in apologizing when she could just _show_ how much harder she was trying now? Why dig up old wounds?

Staring into the milky dregs of her tea, it suddenly occurred to her. For the first time since she sat down at the table, Karen locked eyes with her mother. Veronica furrowed her eyebrows.

“Wait a second,” Karen said. “You could get something out of him. Unless you already have?”

Her mum just laughed. “I do love your persistence. But I highly doubt he’ll tell his nana more than his own mother.”

“But you can try, can’t you? He trusts you more than me, I can see it.”

Karen didn’t know why she was clinging so hard to this idea. Wasn’t she supposed to be letting Dan go this year?

Yet she couldn’t deny something had shifted when he was in Manchester.

Maybe she wasn’t ready for a Dan-less house just yet.

Across from her, Veronica offered a kind smile. As nice as it felt, it also made Karen squirm just a little.

“You know, it is Adrian’s half term this week, and I was thinking of taking him to Windsor Castle on Monday. I could see if Daniel is free to join us, too.”

“R--really? You think he’d be up for that?”

Veronica shook her head, but her eyes were dancing with mirth. “Well, he’s going whether he wants to or not. He’s long overdue for some family time, I reckon.”

And that was that.

Karen couldn’t help but stare at her mother in wonder. Why couldn’t she have been this generous when Karen was forced to sneak out to all those parties in high school? Or when she’d decided to study philosophy at uni?

“I am quite proud of you, you know,” Veronica added. “Trust me, I _know_ it’s not easy, mothering a teenager. But he’ll come around one day, love, I promise you.”

She laid a hand over her daughter’s, prompting a small smile to creep up Karen’s lips. Yet it slipped away just as quickly as it had come.

Because now, with November and the new year right around the corner, Karen couldn’t shake the sinking feeling that she was running out of days.

And what would happen then?

No, she wasn’t about to find out. Not if she could do something about it anyway.


	3. Chapter 3

She’d never tell anyone, but Karen secretly loved shuttling Dan to and from his weekend theatre schools. Maybe it had started as a way to rebel against her mum’s incessant Sunday school agenda but somewhere along the way, it became her and Dan’s thing.

Driving a little kid around was so much easier than dealing with the unpredictable schedule of a newborn baby. And although Karen would soon lose her life to those constant feeding and changing times all over again, she still did her best to show up for the theatre stuff, especially Dan’s performances. It was so cool to see her kid turning into his own little person, doing the things he wanted to do and from what Karen could see, thoroughly enjoying himself.

Those first few school shows may not have been much to write home about, just some five to six-year-olds toddling around in homemade costumes in the crappy little primary school gym with all the overhead lights on because the school couldn’t afford spotlights. Yet there was something about Dan that shone brighter than all the other confused little kids up there, something that made Karen proud to be a mother for the first time in her life.

So of course she made a point to budget out the costs for the Wokingham Theatre’s youth program once he was old enough to join. 

It was an investment, she’d argued to both James and her mum, just like all the holidays they took to show Dan (and later Adrian) that the world was so much more than just their little village. He’d be getting instruction from people who knew what they were doing, making new friends, and using all that exuberance for good. Plus, all those classes and rehearsals were basically weekend childcare.

And when the kids there told Dan about another theatre school, this one connected to a local secondary school (that Dan and Adrian would later attend), well, what could Karen do but cut her Christmas budget in half? 

That had been a big argument with James. Even now, she still didn’t understand how he could only support Dan’s passion halfway. If he had multiple opportunities to grow as an actor, to make friends outside of school and work with some fantastic teachers, why shouldn’t he take them all? They’d work things out with the costs. They always did.

She’d been the first to hug Dan after he won his Young Shakespeare Award too, rushing towards him before he could make his way towards Ericka. Finally, others were starting to see Dan’s talent for what it was. 

Maybe that’s why things fell apart when Dan told her in passing that she didn’t have to pay for those schools anymore. Apparently he’d deemed that path too unrealistic and decided theatre was no longer his thing. Karen didn’t buy that for a second, though.

It was Ericka and her friends who’d wormed him out of there, she knew it. She remembered how high school girls could be. So cunning and persuasive, especially when they knew you liked them. She’d hoped Dan’s ex could get over that petty jealousy, but deep down she knew there was no hope. Dan was gone.

And Karen had lost her only tether to her elder son.

She couldn’t help thinking back to those theatre days as she darted through the house on the hunt for Adrian’s Halloween costume on Saturday.

In fact, her head was so clouded with these memories, she barely noticed Dan slip out the door with nothing but a short goodbye and a brief mention of his plans. (He was headed to London for a Halloween party with Phil and his friends, apparently, and would be staying there all weekend.) She couldn’t help berating herself for it later, when she finally found the Joker makeup hidden behind everyone’s toothbrushes in the medicine cabinet.

Of course, just as Adrian dashed outside to meet his friends down the street, the front door flew open yet again to reveal Karen’s mother standing there with a bemused grin on her face.

“Well, he sure has grown up fast, hasn’t he?” she said by way of greeting.

By this time, Karen had made her way to the lounge to see Adrian off and wanted nothing more than to collapse on the couch.

So she did, kicking her feet up on the coffee table for ultimate comfort.

“Oh no, don’t start with him too.” She shook her head.

Her bemused smile melting into something softer, Veronica crossed over to the sofa and took a seat beside her daughter. “You know, it’s alright to not want your children to grow up,” she said gently, tapping a finger against the back of the couch. “Perfectly normal, too. Heaven knows I had my share of moments with you and your brother.”

“Yeah, but….I don’t know. I always told myself I wasn’t going to be that mum. Don’t get too close when you know they’re just going to leave you and all that. It’s easier to keep that distance, you know?”

“But love, don’t you see? That’s what being a mother is all about!” Veronica’s hands flew to her chest as she shook her head so hard, her curls bounced. 

“Of  _ course  _ it hurts like mad to let them go. You’re losing a part of yourself and there’s nothing easy about that. But if you’ve done your job right, they’ll come back to you. Or you’ll come back to them and they’ve got no choice but to accept you.” She grinned “But either way, Daniel  _ won’t  _ be out of our lives forever next fall. You know I’ll make sure of that.”

Karen felt her lips curl up in spite of herself. “Oh hey, speaking of--how was the Windsor trip? I know it’s been a few days and all, but…”

Veronica raised an eyebrow but blessedly let the subject go. “Well, it went as good as I could expect, I suppose. Would you know, that boy never took his eyes off his phone unless I asked. Not once.” She shook her head.

“That was the extent of our shopping trip too,” Karen sighed. “But did he, er...say anything? About who he was texting?”

“Mmm, he said it was just a friend, although I assume it was that lad Phil he’s been talking about. He was quite happy too, you know. Happier than I’ve seen him in a while on one of these day trips.”

“He...he was?”

A million emotions were pouring through Karen all at once. So Dan had found someone that made him happy--and if her suspicions were right, in more ways than one. That should be a good thing, yes? Honestly, she was starting to get worried he’d never grow out of that moody teenager phase.

But how could she be sure Phil’s intentions were good? She’d been eighteen once, always hung up on the older guys (and some girls). She’d had her share of messy heartbreaks, so many that she’d sworn off love until she’d found that charming young man with a decent head on his shoulders, who she didn’t totally mind coexisting with. 

God, she was such a cliche.

She’d be damned if she ever let Dan feel an ounce of that devastation, though. He deserved so much more than that.

So much more than what Karen could give him.

Ever the mind reader, her mother laid a soft hand on Karen’s shoulder. “Yes, love. I know you’re worried, and that’s only natural. But I’ve got a good feeling about this young man--and our boy, too. He’s grown into such a kind young man, and a smart one at that.”

“You think so?”

Karen hated how anxious she sounded, how unsure. She should know this about her son! What kind of mother was she if she barely knew the person Dan had become in these last few years?

“I know so. I may not know Phil, but I know our Daniel is in good hands. He’ll be alright.” Veronica squeezed Karen’s hands in both of her own, her words sparking a million questions in Karen’s mind.

So did she suspect things too? And was she okay with it? 

Karen never had come out to her mum because, well...why would she? The 80’s were such a different time, after all. She wasn’t about to give her mum another reason to disown her.

Now, though, she sort of regretted keeping those girlfriends secret. Maybe her mum wasn’t so traditional after all.

Yet there was no time for questions, as the glass doors creaked open and Karen’s husband poked his head in the lounge. Instantly, Karen’s feet slid off the coffee table and onto the white carpet.

“Oh James, it’s so nice to see your face again! Please, come join us.” Veronica patted the white faux leather armchair beside her. “I was just telling Karen, you know, I think Daniel’s found a good egg in his...Phil. Or at least, he seems quite happy with him, if these last couple weeks are anything to go by.”

“Yeah, see, that’s the thing.” James stepped all the way inside and sat down heavily on the armchair, running a hand through his salt-and-pepper curls. “Of course I want him to be happy and all but he needs to be focusing on his future too. And I think that--that Phil character is only distracting him.”

“Oh, come  _ on. _ ” Karen rolled her eyes, shoulders tensing as they so often did around her husband these days. “He’s got the whole year to think about things! I think you of all people would know he deserves a little fun.”

“Of course he deserves fun, I’m just saying--”

“You’re just saying  _ what _ ?” Karen’s eyes narrowed. Something burned deep inside her, surely coloring her face but who was she to care?

Since when did James become so...businesslike? So serious? So anti-fun?

“Children, children,” Veronica started, but James cut her off.

“I’m  _ saying _ that it’s basically November and I don’t think he’s got a single thing to show for his gap year. I don’t want this cycle to continue. You know the sooner he gets his application in, the more money they can give him. If he really wants to go to Manchester, that school isn’t cheap. And we’ve never been rolling in quid ourselves.”

Karen hated to admit it but his words held a truth that no one in that room could deny. Uni wasn’t cheap, especially these days. She and James had never had much in the realm of savings and Karen wasn’t about to accept a single pound of help from her mum. She was already doing more than enough helping around the house and taking care of the boys and all.

Still, wasn’t her mum right too? Dan  _ was _ a smart boy. While Karen and James were both well aware of his procrastination habit, he still got things done. Wouldn’t having someone on his back make him less likely to do all this work?

Just then, Veronica piped up before Karen could say something she’d regret. “You know, you really ought to give your son some more credit, James. He knows what he needs to do, and all the factors involved. I don’t see anything wrong with allowing him a bit more freedom now that he’s eighteen.”

James folded his arms tight across his chest. He took a sharp breath but right as he was about to reply, the doorbell rang, drowning out whatever retort he had planned.

Their first trick or treaters. Veronica lifted herself stiffly off the sofa, ambling around the corner and into the front hallway.

And just like that, the conversation was closed. Karen got up too, breezing past her husband and into the kitchen without another word.

Although if his ever deepening frown was anything to go by...well. This was going to be a long few days.

 

***

“What do you mean you’re headed  _ back _ to Manchester this weekend? What does ASDA think about all these days you’re taking off, Daniel?”

Even in the kitchen, Karen could hear the deep rumble of her husband’s voice loud and clear. Her stomach clenched as Dan’s response barely hit her ears.

“Dad come on, it’s fine. I--I found someone who’ll trade one of their shifts with me so like, at least I’m not taking off as many days. And anyway they don’t care about that thing, you know how hard it is to get people to come in that early. They need me.”

“Well either way, I’m starting to think all these little holidays are becoming too big of a distraction. Have you even started to look for work experience? Those spots fill up fast, you know.”

“Dad, what the--are you kidding me?”

“Daniel. I’m not looking for an argument here. I just asked you a question. Have you or have you not started looking for work experience?”

Karen didn’t notice the pen in her hand until the little metal clip dug deep into her palm. She gasped, unaware that she’d been holding her breath. As if a switch had been activated inside her, she needed to fly out of here and over to Dan, fighting for him with everything she had.

Yet she remained in the hard wooden chair. As much as she needed to, she couldn’t get up.

“Seriously? You barely make an effort in my life, you’re barely  _ around _ to begin with sometimes but now that I’m eighteen and I’m finally starting to  _ live _ my life, now you’re trying to play the parent card? But to answer your question--no, I haven’t started looking. I swear it’s fine, though, I’ll get to it. It’s whatever.”

Karen hated hearing the tremor in Dan’s voice. She hated even more that there was nothing she could do to stop it;

“It’s not whatever. Daniel, this is your  _ future  _ we’re talking about. Do you know how much it costs to live in Manchester? I’m very sorry but your mum and I just don’t have that kind of money right now. The sooner you apply, the sooner you can get your loans.”

“God, Dad, I  _ know _ that. It’s only November, I’ll get to it! Now can I  _ please _ go back to having a life? Not that you’d care, but things are actually going pretty well right now.”

Heavy footsteps sounded on the stairs. Then, a low rumble turned Karen’s bones to ice.

“Daniel. Come back here now, please. This discussion isn’t finished.”

There was a heart wrenching pause, then those same feet plodded back down the stairs.

“Thank you,” James said, softer than Karen had heard from him in weeks. “Now Daniel, I am very happy to hear things are going well for you. Genuinely, I think that’s great. But I am afraid you’re focusing too much on that and not on your responsibilities.”

“I just told you, it’s fine, I’ll get to--”

“Son. That’s not what I’m talking about. I hate to say this, but,” he took a breath and in that moment, Karen felt every single nerve ending pulled tight, every cell in her body screaming, “we have to put a stop to your Manchester trips. At least until you find work experience and a psychology tutor.”

“ _ Dad. _ What the fu--you can’t do that! I’ve already got my tickets for this weekend, am I just supposed to cancel them now?”

Apparently Dan was feeling the same acute betrayal as Karen.

Except--and she hated herself so much for this--she could see where her husband was coming from too.

He did need to get a head start on all this uni work. But did it have to come at the expense of his enjoyment?

“Well, alright,” James sighed after a few excruciating moments. “If you’ve already got the tickets, I suppose you can go this weekend. I can’t have you wasting that money. But after that, no more until things are sorted. And no more parties either. Understood?”

Dan’s response was hardly audible. “Yeah. I--I guess.”

“Good. You may be excused. But I expect you to be doing your uni work while you’re up there.”

The choked sobs that followed may have been nearly silent but each one tore Karen apart until she felt there was none of her left.

Yet again as much as she needed to, she didn’t follow Dan upstairs.

She was too busy feeling trapped in a memory just like this, twenty-odd years ago in a house just down the road from here.

Except she’d found a way to sneak out to those parties. Every kid she knew had known how to sneak out back then.

There was no way Dan could sneak out to Manchester, though. 

Above her, she heard a door slam and the much louder sobs that broke through in that same moment, exactly like the ones Karen had let out at fourteen, and sixteen, and twenty-four, every time she thought her life was over.

But then, that’s the thing about growing older. You learn the reasons behind all those personal tragedies and that they weren’t really tragedies at all. Yes, Dan may have been feeling a lot of things right then. 

Betrayal for one, and terror. Heartbreak too, probably. And shame, deep deep down.

He’d get through it.

But a tiny voice in the back of her mind couldn’t help whispering that the resentment this caused would make it that much easier for Dan to slip away.

Karen couldn’t help hating her husband a little for that. Even if he was right.

 

***

On Wednesday, Karen was still feeling all sorts of mixed-up in her head. And she’d hardly seen her eldest son all day.

In all honesty, she was ready to scream. Who the hell invented feelings anyway? And where was the off button when she needed it?

“Karen, love?” her mum said that evening. “Everything alright? You’re scrubbing those counters rather forcefully.”

Was she? She examined her paper towel as if seeing it for the first time. She hadn’t noticed.

“Really? I--I didn’t realize…”

“I’ve noticed Daniel’s upset with you and James,” Veronica stated, blunt as ever. “Did something happen?”

Her mother always did know just how to prod Karen into opening up. 

She sighed, although it came out more like a huff. “Yeah. You could say that.”

“Well, throw that away and join your mother for a cup of tea, will you?” Veronica replied, already filling the kettle with water. “Tea makes everything better. And crumpets, although you never seem to have those here, do you?”

Against her better judgement, Karen found herself settling into a hard backed kitchen chair. “No, sorry. It’s the one thing I can never remember to put on the list.”

“Well, no matter,” her mother shrugged. “If the boys haven’t devoured them, we may still have a few cookies. Chocolate chip sound good?”

It sounded amazing, but Karen wasn’t about to let that on. “Yeah sure, that’s fine.”

Veronica busied herself with their snack then, pulling the tin of cookies from the top shelf of the cabinet above the sink and arranging what little remained on a small plate. The kettle whistled shortly after and she fetched the milk and teacups, pouring the steaming liquid with practiced ease before setting everything between them and taking the seat opposite Karen. 

A sweet herbal scent filled the air, reminding Karen of days long past when she and her mother would sit at a table just like this one, sipping tea together as Karen worked on homework and Veronica paid the bills, or cooked dinner, or tackled whatever task was most pressing at the time. 

Perhaps Karen was a nostalgic at heart, as she only ever bought that same brand of chamomile, even now.

“So your teenage son is mad at you,” her mum began after she’d poured out her milk. “Don’t you think you’re looking at someone with plenty of experience in that field?”

Alright. She had to give her mother that one. Somehow, a wry smile managed to poke through despite all the worries rattling around in her head.

She tilted the cup to her lips then, taking immense pleasure in the scalding liquid that raced down her throat and opened up all her senses.

“You did the right thing you know,” Veronica said gently. “He’s probably feeling all kinds of misunderstood right now and as a parent, that’s one of the hardest things to watch your child go through. But I’m very proud of the two of you for stepping in. I’m assuming this was a shared decision?”

“Well, uh...you see, that’s the thing. James didn't check with me first.” Karen felt her grip tightening around her warm cup. “And on the one hand...I mean, Daniel does have to get his act together with his important gap year business and all that. But I also--I dunno, I feel like he was being too harsh? Like, we shouldn’t have to take away all his fun to get him to work. We both know that only made me less likely to do things.”

She stared down at the orangey brown liquid, as if that could give her an answer.

Glancing back up at her mum, she found Veronica’s face was full of understanding, with hints of reminiscence dancing in the corners of her dark eyes. 

“You’re very right about that, love,” her mother smiled. “But don’t you see? This is the time when he needs your understanding the most. I know he wants nothing to do with you right now, but you’ve  _ got _ to try. Otherwise, he’ll slip right through the cracks before you know it.”

It felt like her mother had driven a knife through her chest but Karen did everything in her power not to let it show. Still, her hands shook as she took another sip of tea that did nothing to ease the tightening in her chest, in her throat, everywhere. And when she finally did speak, the horrible choked voice that came out made her want to scream all over again.

“I just...okay, but what’s the point if he won’t even  _ listen _ to me anymore? He can’t put that stupid phone down for one second and I can’t make him, he’ll just hate me for it. You remember when I was with Ricky, right? I wouldn’t talk to anyone but him.”

“He may hate you for a second but I promise when he hears what you’ve got to say, he’ll be grateful.” Veronica’s tone was as steady as ever, kinder than Karen thought she deserved when her worries were so ridiculous. “Wouldn’t you have appreciated someone saying the same to you when you were eighteen?”

“Yeah, I--I guess, but…”

Karen didn’t get a chance to finish her sentence, though, as the sound of the front door opening pushed all her thoughts from her mind. Daniel and Adrian were both up in their rooms, likely playing video games or chatting with friends. So who…?

Then James stumped into the kitchen, his back hunched as he made a beeline for the water jug in the fridge. Reaching over for a glass in the cupboard next to the fridge, he poured out his drink and guzzled it down without a word.

Karen knew this mood of his. On the outside it looked intimidating but she knew he’d never hurt a fly. Still, she hated how high her voice sounded once she finally said, “Oh hello, honey. You’re home early today.”

“Yeah, well. We haven’t heard back from any of the American film studios yet so we decided to just call it a day,” James replied gruffly. “But actually, Karen, I was hoping to talk to you. In the lounge, maybe?”

“Y--yeah, sure.” She had no idea why a knot was growing in her stomach, or why she left her tea on the kitchen table instead of taking it with her. It was just a talk with her husband, after all. She had nothing to be scared of.

Yet she was grateful for her mother’s reassuring smile all the same.

“You know, I’ve been thinking since yesterday,” James said, settling into the couch and placing his glass on a coaster. Karen perched in the armchair to his right. “I’ve been thinking, you know, about Daniel’s gap year and all. And I think you and I are gonna have to start enforcing some strict deadlines with him. As far as I can see, it’s the only way he’ll get these things done.”

Again, Karen felt as though she’d been struck. Yes, he had a point but…

“Oh, come on. You know I’m shit at enforcing things. And anyway, you should give him more credit! He’ll get it done. It might be at the last possible minute but he’ll still do it.”

“Well, if you want to sit there and pretend the world will wait for him, be my guest. Meanwhile, I still think he needs to know that the consequences for missing a deadline in the real world are a lot more severe than a dropped letter grade.”

Karen threw her hands in the air, letting them come down with a hard smack on her work pants. “God, of course I know that! That’s not what I’m saying at all. I just think maybe we should go a bit easier on him, give him the benefit of the doubt. And anyway,” she added in a mutter, “I can’t have him hating me more than he already does.”

“But don’t you see?” James shook his head, hard. “That’s just what teenagers  _ do. _ He’ll be back once he understands we’re looking out for him. If we’re gonna do this parenting thing, we need to be on the same page. I’m not even asking you to do much. Just check on him from time to time and let him know he’s got to finish these things by a certain time. That’s all.”

Karen pursed her lips then as a sigh escaped without her noticing. 

So, alright. She wouldn’t necessarily be playing the bad guy, and neither would James. She still couldn’t stand the idea of giving her son strict rules to follow, but—

“Well, maybe I could. I mean, I can use it as a way to find out about Phil too, I guess.”

For the first time in months, Karen watched her husband’s eyes soften. It gave her a spark of what she felt twenty years ago. But that spark was dimmed now after trying for so long to build a life with this man who just wasn’t the person she thought he would be.

Still, they did have their good moments, like this one. And that had to count for something, right?

“You know, that’s not a bad idea. I’m starting to think Phil’s not as bad as we thought after all,” James offered. Karen could only blink in response. “I mean, I haven’t seen Daniel this happy since he was little. And what kind of father would I be if I got in the middle of that?”

“As  _ we _ thought?” Karen raised an eyebrow, but her tone was light. “I seem to recall it was me convincing  _ you _ to let him meet that lad in the first place! You know, Rousseau had a point. You’ve gotta trust that most people’s intentions are good, love.”

“You and your philosophers.” James shook his head, smirking. “But I’m glad we’re on the same page here.”

Karen had to bite her lip at that. He may think that, but she certainly felt otherwise. She wasn’t going to get into that now, though. 

Not when things were actually decent for the first time in ages.

“Yeah, well...me too,” she said after a few moments. Then, “Hey, I’m gonna see what we’ve got for dinner, alright?”

“Dinner sounds great, thank you,” James sighed. “Something warm, please?”

“I’ll see what we’ve got.”

The whole time she was preparing dinner, though, she couldn’t get her mum’s words out of her mind.  _ This is the time when he needs your understanding the most. Wouldn’t you have appreciated someone saying the same to you? _

Even after Veronica left, the restless feeling refused to let up. Of course her mother had a point. Loathe as she was to admit it.

But what if Dan shut her out just as she was letting him in?

_ Well, at least you’ll have tried. _

Did the voice in her head have to sound so much like her mum’s?

In the end, she chose to bring Dan’s and Adrian’s dinners up to them with a firm warning to not get anything on their sheets. Maybe the offering would make Dan more willing to talk to her.

“Daniel?” She shifted the breakfast tray to her hip so she could tap on the door with her other hand. Thankfully, years of baby holding had perfected her in the art of holding things steady. “If you’re not busy, I thought we could have dinner in here? If you’d like?”

The video game music that had been drifting out of his room instantly cut off, leaving nothing but a loaded silence hanging in the air for an excruciating few moments. Then finally,

“...Yeah, er--I guess? Am I in more trouble or something because I swear I’m trying, it’s just--”

Karen pushed the door open with the tray, plopping herself and both their dinners beside Dan on his bed. 

“Oh, honey, no! The whole ‘no Manchester trips’ thing was all your dad’s idea. I did want to talk to you about that—but it’s not bad! I promise I’m on your side here.”

Dan raised a single eyebrow, but cautiously took a fork anyway. 

Sighing inwardly, Karen forced herself to ignore the literal mountain of clothes on the floor and focus on the task at hand. She was shocked to find herself tongue tied.

This was just Dan, after all. Her first son. Despite everything, there would always be that special bond.

What had she said to her mum again?

“Look, I may be well past eighteen now, but I get it,” she began. “I know how frustrating it is to have all your fun taken away from you. Believe it or not, your nana’s done that to me more than a few times.”

Dan paused, leaving his forkful of pasta hanging in the air. 

Karen had no choice but to plow through, even with the gnawing worry eating away at her chest.

“And trust me, I know that punishments like this are just gonna make you less likely to do what we’re asking. Am I right?”

“I--er, maybe…”

It wasn’t much. But just hearing her son’s voice sent a wave of relief crashing over her. even if he was still hunched into himself.

“Well, anyway,” she continued, “you know I can’t go over your dad’s head with this. He’d kill me, as much as I’d like to try. But, well...if I could get through all of that with Nana, I think you can, too. And you will be able to see Phil again after this weekend.”

Dan took his time chewing his pasta and sipping at his water then, as if he too was struggling to find words. Karen felt a deep primal urge to wipe away the worry knitting his brows together.

“Are you sure about that?” he eventually asked. “I mean, I’m so exhausted after work that I usually just pass out until dinner and even then, I still barely have the energy to be a functional human.”

“Well, you’ve gotta stop staying up so late chatting with your friends, for one,” she lightly prodded.

Dan went beet red, which only further prompted Karen to ask her next question.

“And speaking of those friends, who is this Phil that you’re so keen on visiting? You said he does--what was it? He makes BlueTube videos?”

“ _ YouTube, _ Mum,” Dan groaned. “And yeah, he’s been doing it for years now but he’s finally getting to a point where people are giving him all these opportunities because of it--like, you know him already, since he was in that confused.com advert from last year.”

Karen wracked her memory but all her hours of TV watching only gave her a giant blank. “Really? Not the old man, surely…”

“Oh my  _ god, _ Mum.” Now Dan was sounding like his old self. It gave Karen a jolt of hope. “No, he’s the guy with the black hair and the green and blue bed sheets behind him.”

“You know, that’s still not ringing any bells. But maybe you could show me some of his videos?”

She knew exactly who Dan was talking about. But damn it, she was so intrigued she just had to see what this guy was about.

“I mean, I guess…”

And to her immense surprise, Dan pulled his laptop off his pillow and opened it up.

As he fiddled around, Karen started in on her pasta. It had grown cold now but she’d take that sacrifice.

A couple minutes later, she was staring at a very blue screen, with what must be the YouTube logo in a corner, a list of videos on the right and….her son’s face in the middle, right next to Phil’s?

“Oh my god, Daniel! You never told me you were in one of his videos! Is that what you two were doing a few weeks ago?”

“Shit, er--I mean, yeah, but please don’t be mad.” Dan scrolled down a little in his agitation and Karen happened to see that Phil had over 70,000 subscribers.

That was….a lot of people. And he wanted to hang out with her son?

She couldn’t help feeling a stab of pride.

“Oh, I’m not mad at all. I knew you two weren’t actually visiting that uni. But hey, what’s this video that you’re in? Can we watch it?”

“I--I mean, I guess?” Dan kept his eyes on the computer screen, but his bottom lip had found its way between his teeth. “I mean, we did actually explore the city, which is good enough as visiting uni anyway.”

He paused a second before clicking on the video. “Also I should probably warn you, it’s a little, uh, weird. But like, funny weird. Or at least, we found it funny anyway.”

Then the video started with a closeup of her son stuffing a plush lion in his mouth.

As she found out, the entire three-minute video was a study in fondness. And nervous flirting. The way Phil looked at her son reminded Karen painfully of her and James’s early days. And if that wasn’t enough, the markered-on cat whiskers that had mostly worn off by the end of the video proved there was no way in hell Phil was just a friend.

Well. As long as Dan was careful, she didn’t see any harm in it.

He was right, though--the video definitely was weird, its ridiculous humor and constant jumping around leaving Karen more than a bit confused. So she chose to sneak glances at her son instead, not at all shocked to find his smile growing softer with every frame.

The video ended far too soon for Karen to get a good idea of what Phil was really like, though, so she cautiously asked to see some of his typical content.

Once again to her surprise, Dan agreed to show her a couple of his favorite “vlogs.” 

“I should warn you, though, there’s no such thing as a ‘normal’ Phil video. But that’s what makes his channel really cool, at least to me anyway.”

The first vlog, titled “Robot death machine,” featured Phil with much shaggier hair wearing a coat inside and talking to the camera like he was updating a friend on recent events in his life. He started out with a story about a loud portable heater and after that, she instantly understood what her son meant about this YouTube thing giving him opportunities.

“Pause, pause,” she said two minutes into the video. “He auditioned for  _ Big Brother _ ? And was in a movie? All because of YouTube?”

“I mean, well, not directly,” Dan rushed to explain. “The movie thing, yeah, he posted his audition on YouTube but he was hardly more than an extra. And he said that  _ Big Brother _ auditions was mostly because he wanted to start trying new things and taking every opportunity he could get. But yeah, YouTube did give him the confidence to do all that.”

“Oh, wow. That’s so great for him, really! But unpause, please. I’m liking this guy so far.” Karen felt like a kid discovering a new toy, but she couldn’t help it.

She hadn’t had this much insight on her son and his interests in years. It felt like she’d won the lotto.

Then Phil pulled out some tarot cards and Karen was drawn right back in.

Truth be told, she’d always had her doubts about fortune telling and she knew Dan did, too. So she didn’t quite understand why he’d chosen this video--until Phil read out his future card and she noticed Dan fighting back a huge grin.

“So some guy is gonna have a big impact...an energetic warrior. He’s got a hasty personality and is very quick to love or hate.”

She barely heard the rest of the video, as those few words stabbed her right in the heart.

She couldn’t have written a better description of her son herself. Had he and Phil been talking at that point? Did Phil choose that card on purpose?

Or had he actually predicted his own future?

Of course, there was no time for her to ponder these questions, as the video ended before she could even process it all. And then Dan was clicking over to another more recent video, this one titled “PARANORMAL ACTIVITY” in all caps.

Here, Phil was sat in the same room as the first video. So this must be his parents’ house and then, the other room was his uni accommodation? 

This video felt quite similar to “Robot death machine,” with Phil discussing a ghost orb that had floated across the screen and showing various items in his room. More importantly, though, he mentioned how everything was starting to fall into place in his life, with doodles of a smiley face, a heart, and a dollar sign flashing for a split second on the right side of the screen.

Dan’s bitten back smile told her everything she needed to know about that little heart. It also sent a burst of pride rocketing through her veins. Somehow, against so many odds, her boy had found someone who cared so  _ much _ about him, if that “phil is not on fire” video was anything to go by. 

Maybe she had done one thing right.

That feeling of accomplishment was short-lived, though, as Dan pushed his laptop away at the end of the video to reveal their two empty plates. As quickly as her heart had jumped, Karen felt it sink a little.

“So yeah, that’s basically what Phil does, I mean, there’s some weirder, more creative stuff since he just finished his degree in post production and visual effects this year but I won’t subject you to any of that.” Dan laughed a little, his giggle a catchy melody Karen wished would never leave her mind.

“Hey, you never know. I had some artsy friends when I was in school so I get it. But seriously,” Karen locked eyes with her son, “thank you for showing me these. I know things are quite busy around here but I do really appreciate seeing the things you’re into.”

Dan only held her gaze for a few moments before glancing down at his tangled up duvet, but it was enough. 

Rather than acknowledging her, though, Dan posed a question of his own.

“So you’re really not mad at me for not getting my shit together yet?”

It was all Karen could do to stop her heart from bursting in two and dripping all over the walls, the clothes, and what little of the floor she could see. “Oh love, no, of course not! I know you’ll get it done anyway. That’s all I care about.”

Dan offered a half smile, his gaze still not leaving the duvet. 

Catching the hint, Karen gathered up their plates and forks and glasses and stacked everything on the breakfast tray before swinging her legs down to the ground. 

“But hey, I won’t keep you from Phil any longer. I’m sure you’re dying to get back to him, yeah?”

“I mean--” But Dan’s massive grin gave it all away.

“Also can you clean up this mess please? I’m honestly shocked I was able to concentrate on Phil’s videos with this natural disaster you’ve got here.”

“Yeah yeah, I’ll get to it. Bye, Mum!”

And as he waved her out, Karen felt waves of victory crashing over her that she hadn’t felt since…

Well, since Dan had won his Young Shakespeare award, in all honesty. 

It was exhilarating.


	4. Chapter 4

Dan was fired from ASDA a few weeks later. 

He refused to tell anyone why, but Karen knew James was right. Big stores like that needed dependable people and the sad truth was, Dan wasn’t dependable anymore. 

But he had found work experience and was in the process of looking for psychology tutors. So after some convincing, James agreed to let up his punishment and that very night, Dan booked tickets to visit Phil for a whole week at the start of December. 

Karen had tried talking to Dan the night he told them he’d gotten fired but nothing she said could lift his mood. So she eventually just left him to it. He had Phil anyway, she’d argued to herself. That had to count for something.

It was early in the morning on the last Sunday of November when Dan left for his week in Manchester. Even through her pre-coffee haze, Karen could tell he was so much lighter than he was at the beginning of the week. Veronica, who had stopped by to pick Adrian up for church, must have noticed too, as she stopped Dan on his way out the door.

“You know, I’d love to meet this Phil one day,” she said after giving him a warm hug. “You should tell him to come down here next time!” 

“Er, yeah, maybe,” Dan hedged. And after a short goodbye, he was gone.

Once the front door had shut, Veronica leaned a saggy elbow on the kitchen counter, sighing wistfully. “Isn’t it adorable how happy he is now that Phil’s in his life? It’s just like you and James way back when. And your late father and me.”

At the table, Karen lowered her coffee mug with a sharp clatter. “You--wait, so you...you know? And you’re okay with it?”

“Yes, of course!” her mum replied, with that same soft smile that was becoming more and more familiar now. “It’s been clear to me for a while but I thought I’d let Daniel tell us in his own time. If they really are this crazy about each other, then I’d say they’ve gotten quite lucky.”

Karen didn’t know how to reply to that. Eventually she settled on an echo of agreement. “Yeah. Yeah, they really are.”

“Actually, before Adrian and I leave,” her mum cut in, “I wanted to ask, how are things going between you and Daniel? He seems a lot happier now but I’m not sure if that’s just because of Phil or if things here are any better…”

It gave Karen a shot of pride to know that for once, she had good news. “It has been a bit better, actually. I got to watch some of Phil’s YouTube videos a few weeks back. He’s very lovely, I can see why Daniel’s so fond of him.”

Her mother was radiant. “Honey, that’s great news!” She clapped her hands together just like she used to when Karen was a little girl. “Has there been anything else since then? Or did he go into hiding again?”

“Yeah, he’s hiding, it seems,” Karen sighed, her pride dissipating. 

“Well, that’s not unusual. I do hope you haven’t given up, love. You’ve got to prove that you’re there for him all the time, not just when he’s ready to let you in.”

For whatever reason, her mother’s chiding tone sent a wave of lava through Karen’s veins. She stabbed hard at her eggs. “Yeah, I know, Mum. I  _ have _ been trying, I even tried talking with him after he lost his job this week. It’s just...I don’t know how much patience I have left. Especially with December and end of the year reports coming up and all.”

“That’s a good start!” Veronica enthused. “Trust me, I know it’s hard. But I promise it’ll all be worth it one day.”

The twinkle in her mum’s dark eyes was too kind, too earnest for Karen to hold her gaze for long. Blinking down at her near empty mug, it was all she could do to keep this wave of expectation from crashing down and destroying her. 

“Just think about it, please?” her mum added in a softer tone as Adrian came shuffling in, dressed in his best black slacks and a festive sweater vest atop a pressed white dress shirt. 

Of course, everything was getting too small, but no time to worry about it now. Karen would just have to remember to get him new clothes before Christmas. If they had the money, anyway.

As much as she loved Adrian, this added responsibility only further annoyed her to the point where she had to angry-clean the whole kitchen just to work things out in her head.

Whoever had decided to make December the busiest month could go fuck themselves, as far as she was concerned. Bah humbug indeed.

 

***

Unsurprisingly, that mood refused to let up for the rest of the month. With her mind so full of work and Christmas shopping and holiday parties and making plans with both her and James’s extended families, Karen barely spoke to anyone else in the house.

Things were so hectic, in fact, that she failed to notice Dan had been gone for days until it was Christmas Eve afternoon and suddenly, he was nowhere to be found.

Except...wait. She’d watched him leave, hadn’t she? And he said he’d be home before the church service tonight.

Well. That was fine. At least she hadn’t completely forgotten about him.

(Although she couldn’t deny how terrible it felt to come so close.)

It was late that night when she tiptoed into Adrian’s room to lay his bulging stocking at the foot of his bed--although not too late for the gentle murmuring coming from Dan’s room to cut off, apparently.

Karen pressed her older son’s stocking to her chest as she stood yet again outside his door. This wasn’t the first year Dan was awake for her little tradition. But it was the first time Karen had a distinct sense of encroaching on something.

After a few seconds, she chose to crack the door open anyway, slowly and carefully to keep from startling him. If anything, she could set the gifts just inside the door instead of creeping all the way to his bed. 

As it turned out, Dan was wrapped in blankets with only his face poking out, lit up by the soft blue glow of his laptop screen. His eyes had that dreamy, droopy quality to them, the same look he got whenever he fell asleep in Karen’s arms. Perhaps it was just his computer but she could swear he was glowing.

Then she creaked the door open a little more and instantly, Dan’s head and shoulders popped out of his blanket cocoon. 

Karen felt her stomach drop but she forced herself to push all the way through anyway. No stopping now, right? At least she hadn’t caught him doing anything shameful.

“Dan? Everything okay?” a sleepy voice crackled out of the tiny speakers, slicing through the silence. Dan didn’t reply.

Not one to break tradition, Karen slipped inside anyway and tiptoed over to the bed, placing the stocking gently at the end of his rustled-up sheets. 

Something in his sheepish grin must have punctured her heart a little as she whispered, “Happy Christmas, love. And tell Phil I said ‘merry Christmas,’ too.”

She snuck back out right after that, grateful for the clean floor.

But she chanced a look as she eased the door closed, and was delighted to find Dan offering a small smile of gratitude.

 

***

Then it was Christmas morning and despite Adrian’s boundless enthusiasm, Karen was wound tight as a spring.

With James perched on one armchair, Karen on the other, and their two growing boys sat on either ends of the sofa each with a small pile of presents, the scene looked like one from a movie. If you ignored the heavy bags under everyone’s eyes and the crushing expectation hanging in the air, anyway.

It wasn’t like this year was that much lighter than the others. Yes, maybe the gifts were smaller and more practical, but that was mostly due to the thing Karen had splurged on.

By the time both boys got to the thin envelopes wrapped in red, Karen’s heart was in her throat. Adrian tore into his but Dan took his time finding the tape, lifting it up with care before slipping his finger underneath the seal.

They turned to her with questions in their matching brown eyes, Adrian’s face shining but Dan’s worryingly blank.

“It’s a family trip to India! Happy Christmas!” Karen burst out, praying her voice wasn’t shaking as much as her nerves were. “It’s two weeks, from the fifth of February through the nineteenth, so Daniel, you won’t have to miss your exam. And Adrian, don’t worry, I’ve already talked to your school and they said they’d be willing to provide all the work you’ll be missing. Nana agreed to watch Bangy too so it’ll just be us four, how does that sound?”

“Two weeks of no school? Oh my god, Mum, that sounds  _ awesome _ , thank you!!” Adrian burst out. 

But Dan had crumbled as soon as he’d heard the dates.

Had Karen fucked up? Was Phil’s birthday somewhere in there? 

Or--

_ Ohhhhhh. _ Shit. 

Truthfully, Karen had never given that day much thought, as both she and James despised the societal pressures that came with it. Why should they be forced into showing love and appreciation on some arbitrary date when they could do that any time they pleased--even if those times were largely behind them now?

But maybe Phil was different. Either way, there was no denying now how much he and Dan meant to each other.

Well, if they could make it through their first Valentine’s Day apart, that would just prove the strength of their relationship, wouldn’t it?

Still, Karen couldn’t help feeling an insurmountable wall of guilt standing before her, taller than the glittering Christmas tree by the window, blocking her off from her son entirely.

Maybe the trip had been a horrible idea after all. Maybe she was a terrible mother for getting in the way of Dan’s budding relationship, even if it was by accident.

Maybe she should be giving him his space now. After all, what did she know about good relationships when things with her and James had barely been working for years now?

 

***

Before Karen knew it, a week had passed and somehow, they were on the brink of 2010.

Otherwise known as the year Dan would be starting uni. But she wasn't going to think about that now.

Nope, right now she was just going to concentrate on sorting through everyone's laundry and making sure (god forbid) Dan didn't end up with a sock or two of James's. And then she was going to head upstairs to put everything in its proper places--hopefully without disturbing anyone.

And then...well, she could figure out what was next after the laundry was done.

With Adrian over at Nana's and James watching TV in the lounge, Karen was free to roam upstairs with only Bangy trailing behind her, and she relished in the quiet.

That was, until she got to Dan's room and heard Kanye West pouring from his speakers.

Bracing herself, she tapped on his door, shifting the laundry basket to her hip and raising her voice over the rapping. "Daniel? Laundry delivery! Can I come in?"

The music snapped off a second later. "Uhhhh yeah sure, go ahead."

So she pushed open the door only to find her son stood in the middle of the room, staring at a mountain of shirts on his bed.

For a second, all Karen could do was stand and stare. Had he emptied his entire wardrobe onto the tiny mattress?

"Er, sorry about the mess," Dan hastened to apologize. "It's just, I'm going to a New Year's party in London tonight and I dunno what to wear."

"Well, not to add to this explosion but maybe something here will work?" Karen gingerly set the folded-up clothes atop his pillows, the only place that wasn't strewn with T shirts and button downs and hoodies and god only knew what else under there.

Dan pounced on the small pile, tossing socks and boxers everywhere until he found a red and black plaid shirt and held it up, rubbing the cotton between his fingers for a second before throwing it over the wooden chair in the corner by his wardrobe.

"Yeah, it does!" he enthused, already digging some faded blue jeans out of the massive pile. "Thanks, Mum."

"No worries, love. And have fun tonight!" She grabbed the white basket again and turned to leave. Then Dan's voice stopped her.

"Oh yeah, about that...so I'm uh, gonna be going with Phil and normally we'd stay at his brother's after since he lives in London and all, but he's gonna be having a massive party too so I er...may have said he could stay here? If that's cool?"

Karen couldn't fight the massive grin stretching across her face. "Yeah, that's fine! Just be careful, yeah? I'm excited to meet him."

Dan shot her a furtive glance. "Er, about that too...just please be cool, okay? Like, no fighting? And tell that to Dad and Nana and Adrian too. Because I kinda, ah, need you guys to make a good impression."

He dipped his head, looking desperate to run away as the patch of skin near the right side of his jaw glowed deep red. Karen decided not to mention it, instead attempting to lighten the mood a bit.

"You think I'll embarrass you? Bear, I'm  _ the _ cool mum, you know that!"

Dan groaned, but a tiny smile was poking through too. "Yeah, that's exactly what I mean. Just don't be embarrassing, please?"

The desperation in his face was enough to send Karen crumbling. But she stood her ground against the emotions battling inside her. 

"Yes, of course, love. But if you want some advice: if he really cares about you, none of that will matter. I promise." 

And with that, she left the room, leaving Dan staring at the door with the tiniest traces of a smile beginning to devour his face.

Yeah. He'd be just fine. Even if Karen knew he'd be far more likely to shun everyone than even attempt to engage in conversation with Phil in the same room.

He was so much like his dad that way.

 

***

Waking up fully sober on New Year's Day the next morning, Karen couldn't help feeling a distinct pang for her party days. Including the mornings after.

Yeah, the headaches were terrible but at least they meant she'd had fun. These days, no one she knew ever wanted to have fun.

But she had two (mostly) wonderful boys now. Shouldn't that be enough?

Slipping from the bed with nothing but a quick glance over at James, she headed straight down to the kitchen. Perhaps some coffee would get her out of this funk.

It was 2010 now, after all. That was supposed to be exciting! Right?

Stumbling down the stairs, the sight of two lanky boys in her kitchen, one of them a familiar-looking stranger, stopped her in her tracks. What...?

Then her conversation with Dan yesterday came flooding back.  _ Ohhhhhhh. Right. _

Phil was a lot taller than she imagined. And his hair was so, so black. There was no way that was natural. She could only see a sliver of his angular face but she could already tell the hair suited him even more in real life than it did on camera.

She was too out of it to notice anything else, though, so she walked in the room and made a beeline for the coffeemaker.

Dan whipped around as soon as she entered, his eyes wide with fear that faded the moment Phil touched his arm. Karen had to smile at that.

"Happy new year, boys," she said by way of greeting. "I hope you had a nice time last night. And is this Phil?"

"Yep, that's me!" Was it just Karen, or was he even more northern in real life? He turned around to offer her a big grin, hints of anxiety playing at the corners of his blue eyes. "It's so nice to meet you, Mrs. Howell. Your house is so cute and lovely!"

Karen was touched. None of Dan's, or Adrian's friends for that matter, had ever complimented the house. They just headed straight for the video games, completely disregarding any of the adults around.

"Well, thank you, Phil. And please, call me Karen. Mrs. Howell makes me sound like some old fashioned housewife. Anyway, I see you've met Bangy too. I'm sure Dan's told you but he's very gentle. And he loves pets."

Phil's grin grew even bigger then as he reached down to stroke the old dog that had curled up at his feet. Karen watched Dan's entire face soften as he watched Phil. Even without her coffee, her heart felt lighter than it had in weeks.

"Oh my god, he's such a sweet boy," Phil giggled. "I always wanted a dog but my parents always said no. We did have a house rabbit, though, and I used to breed hamsters when I was little."

"Really? That's so interesting!" Karen meant it too. "You know, Dan had a hamster when he was about twelve and she was such a little escape artist, wasn't she?"

"Muuummm! That's still a fresh wound!"

"Love, it's been six years."

The three of them all laughed at that. 

So, it was official. Karen loved Phil--especially for the way he made her son's eyes sparkle brighter than the lights on the tree nobody had taken down yet. Dan's laugh was looser too, his smile wider, his whole demeanor lighter than Karen had seen since the last time he'd been on stage.

As she waited for the coffee to brew, she snuck glances at the two of them, confident that they were so caught up in each other that they wouldn't pay her any mind. And what she saw was cuter than a basket full of puppies. That was saying something, even for Karen.

It was like they had their own language, the way they would catch the other's gaze within seconds and share the same goofy grin. Sometimes Phil would walk a couple fingers up Dan's arm and Dan would slide his arm the tiniest bit closer. Some part of them was always touching, be it their arms or their ankles tangling together under the table. 

Honestly, it was like watching Brad and Angelina.

Then the coffeemaker beeped and Karen busied herself with her breakfast, breaking the silence only to ask the boys if they wanted some coffee.

"Yes please, thank you, Mrs.-- Karen!" Phil answered. Dan was quick to butt in.

"Mum don't, he's had two cups today already!"

"Don't coffee shame me! I'm a growing boy, Dan."

"Growing, my ass," Dan smirked.

"Well if either of you boys decide you'd like some, it'll be right here." Karen tapped the counter before joining them at the table and starting in on her protein bar.

A minute later, a pair of heavy footsteps joined them and Dan visibly tensed. 

Karen offered her husband a terse good morning, tilting her head towards Phil with a pointed look.

James gave him a brief smile. “Good morning everyone. And happy new year--I’m assuming you must be Phil?”

“Yes sir,” Phil grinned. “Happy new year, Mr. Howell! Dan, er, told me you make fake snow for movies? That’s so cool! I’ve always wanted to be a film director.”

James lit up, just like he always did when anyone asked him about the fun parts of his job. “Please Phil, call me James. But yes! I’ll tell you a secret, though--most of working on movies is sitting around and waiting.” He pulled a New Zealand mug down from the shelf and filled it to the top with coffee. “You do get to see some really cool places, though, and that’s always a plus.”

They launched into an enthusiastic movie discussion then, Karen feeling quite pleased in the way Phil made her husband laugh easily and smile bigger. In fact, she wasn’t sure the last time she’d seen his eyes glimmer this much. 

It was nice, even if she wasn’t the one bringing out that glimmer. 

She could tell Phil was genuinely interested and not just trying to make a good impression too, which was all the better.

How had her son found such a kind, charming, mature young man anyway? And one who was clearly crazy about him too? He sure had lucked out big time.

Later, when her mum came over for lunch, Karen could hear her laughter all the way from the makeshift office. Clearly, Phil was charming the pants off her too, and she couldn’t help grinning at that.

She may not know that much about Phil, besides his education history and his warm personality and the fact that he adored Dan. But as the two boys left for the train station later that day, she was astounded to find she wouldn’t mind welcoming Phil as a member of the family.

More than that, she’d be proud to.

 

***

The rest of January flew by. Dan started and finished his work experience, with Karen offering to drive him on the first day but Dan turning her down, as he preferred the train anyway.

That hurt, but she tried not to let it show.

Then before she knew it, it was time to leave for India.

Or, it would be time whenever Adrian found his passport anyway.

In the end, it was in the back of his dresser drawer--and of course, they had to rush through all the airport lines. But Karen had long ago learned this was what the Howells do. So she mostly let it go.

They somehow ended up at the boarding area in record time. Yet amongst the screaming children and constant loudspeaker announcements, Karen hardly had time to process everything until she felt Dan take in a sharp breath beside her.

“So, uhhhhh, guys...I--I got some good news yesterday.” 

His eyes darted around everywhere in the massive airport, landing on his parents’ faces for only a second before he started pulling at the bracelets around his wrist.

Tired as she was, Karen still felt a tiny spark of intrigue. “Really? What is it?”

Both James and Adrian had fixed their eyes on him too, making Dan curl even further into himself. “So, er...I still don’t know how I did on my resit yet…”

Oh  _ fuck. _ Karen internally smacked herself. That was two days ago, wasn’t it? And she’d completely forgotten.

What kind of mother was she?

“...But anyway,” Dan continued, “I sent in my UCAS application and personal statement and all a couple weeks ago, and...I managed to get an unconditional offer to the University of Manchester? Which was, uh, really cool.”

A wall of emotions slammed into Karen. 

An unconditional offer was  _ fantastic _ \--although she knew those were extremely common among people taking gap years, since they already had their A Level results and all. His personal statement must have been enough for them to tweak their normal AAA requirement and let him in on an AABB and the promise of a retake of one of those B’s.

Still, Manchester was so  _ far. _ Sure, it was what Dan wanted and there was nothing she could do to stop that but...was it what she wanted?

No, she was being selfish. Of course she wanted his happiness above everything else.

Yet there was no denying that once Dan left for uni, he’d be gone for good.

It was her husband’s voice that finally broke through her worries. “Wow Daniel, that’s great! I’m proud of you, as is your mum.”

“Yes, very proud,” Karen cut in, plastering on what she hoped was her warmest smile.

Adrian bounced up and down in his tiny plastic seat, marveling Karen yet again with his boundless energy. “Yeah Dan, that’s so cool! How’d you even do that anyway? I thought you spent all your time playing games and traveling three and a half hours up north to make out with your boyf--”

“Hey, I did not!” Dan flushed scarlet, glaring at his little brother, who just batted his eyes innocently. “I was leaving for my work experience before you even got  _ up _ for school, dumbass!”

“Boys, boys,” Karen chided, but she could tell her heart wasn’t in it.

“ _ Anyway _ ,” James continued, giving both Adrian and Dan a pointed look, “I do hope you’re considering your options, Daniel. Manchester is pretty far and it’s quite expensive to live there, from what I’ve heard.”

The tiny smile that had been twitching up Dan’s face at his father’s compliment vanished instantly, his arms crossing over his chest.

“Yeah Dad, I know. And it’s fine, I’ll take out loans. I mean, it’s not like I’d be living in London or anything…”

But he never finished that sentence, as a  _ ding dong _ sounded over the speakers, along with a cheerful voice announcing it was time for them to board.

As they all queued up, boarding passes and passports at the ready, Karen did her best to school her brain into thinking objectively. As big and far away as Manchester was, Dan would be fine there. He may not know the city as well as Reading but she was sure he’d grown enough and was smart enough to figure it all out on his own.

Yet as she inched closer and closer to the front, Karen realized for the first time that maybe  _ she _ wasn’t ready.

And she had no idea what the hell to do about that.

 

***

She should have known this trip wouldn’t go nearly as well as she’d hoped.

Really, how could Karen think visiting an exotic country and breathing in all the history and culture and beautiful nature would bring anyone even the tiniest bit closer?

A week and a half into their holiday, she was lucky to get Dan out of his damn hotel room and into the real world with everyone else. He was disconnected at the best of times, of course, but that second Sunday was worse than ever.

He trailed behind them at the market, refused to talk to anyone on their scenic bus trip, and at one point, Karen had to repeat herself four times before he acknowledged her.

It annoyed her to no end--until she remembered what day it was.

Well, that explained why he needed the internet so  _ desperately _ that evening, and was so devastated when the hotel WiFi stopped working for no reason.

After that, his distance only increased throughout the week, until Karen couldn’t possibly ignore her growing suspicion that Dan wouldn’t be coming home with them. After all, she’d have done the same.

If she really thought about it, she wasn’t mad. Sure, nothing had improved between her and James, but she hadn’t forgotten how intense young love felt, how all-consuming. So maybe that’s why couldn’t hold back her smile when he announced on the plane that once they landed, he’d be taking a taxi to the train station and heading straight for Manchester.

It wasn’t like she could stop him. He  _ was _ eighteen, almost nineteen at this point.

Watching him run out into the chilly London air, though, in a jacket far too thin for this weather with his black suitcase trailing behind, she felt peculiarly like she was in the ending scene of a coming of age film. Cheesy as it was, she couldn’t stop the emotions from welling up inside her as he ducked into a waiting taxi, silhouetted by the midday sun.

He really had grown so much, these last four months especially. A sneaky look at her husband told her he was feeling the same way. Adrian, however, just looked jealous.

Maybe the holiday had sort of gone to shit. But at least she and James were on the same page for once. 

At this point, she’d take all the shitty holidays in the world to get that kind of moment again.

 

***

She’d thought about discussing Dan’s feelings with him. She really had. Her mum had done the same for her when things first got serious with James, after all.

Of course, it hadn’t done much of anything since Karen was already pregnant. But at least she knew that her mum had cared.

She hadn’t known, though, that Dan would be on such a late train coming home. And then she’d barely seen him that whole week so eventually, the whole thing felt pointless.

She pushed the guilt deep, deep down. She wasn’t good with feelings anyway, and teenage boy feelings were more foreign to her than anything. Knowing her, she’d end up pushing Dan away even more.

Then out of nowhere it was March, and Dan was headed north again for an Open Day at Manchester Uni and an interview at the University of York, where Phil had studied. She’d wished him luck upon his departure and for once, Dan gave her a real smile of appreciation.

In that smile, she saw for the first time a tiny sliver of hope.

So perhaps that was why she found herself in the armchair near the front door when he was set to return the next night. 

She should have expected he wouldn’t return alone, though. As adorable as it was, she couldn’t help feeling her hope had been crushed to smithereens.

Would Karen ever get the chance to talk with him about uni? Or anything in his life?

Irritation rose in her, but she pushed all that to the side so she could paste on her warmest smile. Really, she was glad to see Phil again, even if it meant seeing none of Dan for his entire stay.

“Hi, boys!” she said, poking her head around the corner. “Daniel, I hope you had a nice time seeing Manchester. And it’s lovely to see you too, Phil.”

Dan flinched, but then Phil’s hand on his elbow melted his features into something more calm. “Yeah, the uni is really really nice. I think I’m pretty much set on it now.”

Phil beamed. “It’s nice to see you, Mrs.--I mean, Karen. I think me and Dan are gonna head upstairs and chill for a bit, if that’s cool?”

“Yeah, go ahead.” She waved them off, a sinking feeling growing in her chest.

She’d seen this coming from a million miles away. Once Dan had his heart set on something, there was nothing anyone could do to change that. And right now, his heart was set on Phil. And Manchester.

Karen had known this for months.

So then how come it felt like Dan was ripping her heart out of her chest and stomping on it for all the world to see?

 

***

From that moment on, Karen did the only thing she could to keep herself from falling apart all over the place. 

She closed her eyes and ears and pretended that Dan wasn’t leaving her in a matter of months. 

Much like her first pregnancy, though, she couldn’t escape the reminders no matter how much she tried. (And did she ever try.)

Letters and packets from the uni seemed to appear every other week that summer. With Dan so often off on sponsored and self funded holidays with Phil, it was up to Karen to tuck them under the salt and pepper shakers on the kitchen table, so Dan could look them over when he got home.

As much as she wanted to ignore that now familiar letterhead, it was impossible to deny the sharp stab that came every time she saw or heard the word  _ Manchester. _

Eventually, things settled back into their old normal, when Dan’s presence was something Karen took for granted and uni was barely more than a whisper at the back of her mind.

James left to do another movie shortly after Dan’s birthday (really, it was a miracle he’d been home for a whole eleven months) and even her mum stopped checking up on her when it was clear Karen had no intention of making any progress.

The hole that had begun to open up when Dan first started spending all his time on his phone was gaping now, threatening to swallow her up with each day that passed in the lead up to Dan’s move-in date.

Time lost all meaning to her. Sure, she minded her work deadlines and had a tangential sense of the weather warming up and Adrian’s school year finishing. But none of it meant anything when every day felt like she was losing not just a part of herself, but all of herself.

In a way, it was a lot like how she’d felt nineteen years ago. But at the same time, everything had changed.

And then it was September and Adrian was starting year eight and somehow, Dan had been gone for two and a half weeks without her noticing.

Thankfully James had come home at the end of August. The house had felt too empty that summer, so it was nice to have another person there. Even if they were disagreeing on every little thing lately.

It came as no shock to Karen that when Dan finally returned late at night on the eleventh of September, he had brought Phil along too. At this point, they were a package deal.

Sometimes, though, it felt like Karen was being replaced, but she tried not to dwell on that for too long. After all, when had they ever been all that close?

Phil didn’t stay long this time, leaving early in the afternoon on the twelfth. He and Dan both had huge smiles, rather than their usual looks of longing. It irritated Karen for no reason whatsoever.

Shouldn’t she be happy for Dan? He was about to be so much closer to the person who made him happiest, and working towards an impressive qualification at the same time. That was amazing, wasn’t it?

Yet she couldn’t shake the feeling that she’d failed the most important task of her life.

She knew she was meant to be preparing Dan to go off and become his own person, and it would be really sad if his mum was the person who made him happiest. But damn it, he was supposed to have  _ some _ sort of relationship with her by then, wasn’t he?

She knew too that cultivating that relationship (and making up for these last few months) would start with her joining Dan and James on the drive to Manchester. But she just...couldn’t.

And not just because the idea of spending eight hours in a car with James made her ridiculously anxious.

No, she was certain that watching Dan settle into his uni halls would just make her do something stupid, like cry.

So instead, on the day he left, she gave him a big hug once the car was packed and wished him luck. And then she went right back inside because even that almost broke her.

Then...Dan was gone.

Just like that.

She ignored her mother as she let herself inside and stumbled up to her bedroom, because Karen didn’t think she could face a single person right now.

She couldn’t face herself either.

Never in her wildest imaginations did she ever think she would be that parent who cried when her kids went off to school. But, well...she wasn’t crying for that, was she?

This was over six months of bottled emotions pouring out of her and tearing her in two. This was her mourning the person she could’ve become. The better mother, the better daughter, the better wife that she knew was in her somewhere. 

But of course she was too much of a coward to dig that person out. 

She knew what she should do. Yet she also knew she was too damn weak to even attempt to fix things.

In that moment, Karen had never hated herself more.


	5. Chapter 5

Life without Dan was empty. And not just at home, either.

That emptiness followed Karen around, seeping into every little facet of her life until one day, she felt so sick of it that she forced herself to focus on other things. She even took up yoga, figuring that would help clear her mind a little.

It did. Yet she still felt like something huge was missing from her life. And Bangy finally passing away in October didn’t make it any easier.

Dan did come back for Christmas, though, and Karen was shocked to find just how happy she was to see him. Her son, however, seemed rather lifeless and only stayed for a short portion of his break. She tried not to find fault in that, but it was hard.

He’d been away for three whole months. Wouldn’t he want to stay somewhere he could get at least some of his meals made for him, where he could shower without fear of running into strangers?

Unsurprisingly, he spent all the rest of his breaks at Phil’s. In a way, that made things easier, since she spotted his August phone call from a mile away.

“Things are good, thanks,” he said quickly after Karen had picked up. “Really good, actually. I just wanted to tell you...I’m moving in with Phil this year. We found a really nice flat in downtown Manchester with a balcony and everything. And I--I’m well excited, honestly.”

“Oh, Daniel!” She hoped more than anything her voice didn’t betray the sinking feeling in her chest. “That’s wonderful! So, things are...things are serious between you two, then?”

For a moment, she hated herself for asking such a personal question. Dan had never told her the nature of his and Phil’s relationship, but he had made it quite obvious. That didn’t give her any right to pry, though.

Yet to her immense relief, there was a smile in his words. “Yeah, I--I think he’s kinda my favorite person ever. We just get each other, you know?”

She did, sort of. Maybe not with James, but some of her high school friends had gotten her, or the _her_ she was at that time.

She should have figured he’d never say the l-word to her, but she wasn’t mad. Just that admission was a lot.

“I’m glad you found someone like that, I really am. But hey, try not to let living together distract you too much with school and all. I hate to say it, but second year’s even harder than the first.”

“Yeah, er...thanks, I’ll try not to. Hey, how’s Adrian, by the way?”

She should have known by his hesitation and swift subject change what his call a month later would be about. Yet the announcement still sent her crashing down into the kitchen chair like some swooning Victorian lady anyway.

Karen wasn’t upset by this either, though. With her philosophy degree, she was a staunch advocate for studying what you want to study, not what anyone says you should. Why put yourself through that mental torture when there was a world of other options out there?

It tore her apart to know her own son was dealing with that horror and she had no idea.

She tried to keep her voice warm and understanding for his sake. “Well my god, Daniel, I’m so sorry you haven’t been enjoying your degree, that’s a rubbish feeling. But I suppose it’s better to have a midlife crisis when you’re still a teenager than when you’re fifty and it’s too late to change your life around.”

“Oh my god Mum, that’s brilliant! Do you mind if I use that in a YouTube video, whenever I get around to it?”

Karen had to laugh. “Yeah sure, why not! So, this YouTube thing...is that what you’re doing instead of school now? Do you think you’ll go back one day, or…?”

“Honestly, I have no idea,” Dan sighed. “I mean, I might try to go back if I ever figure out what I wanna do? Or if the YouTube thing doesn’t work out. But I’ve got almost 90,000 subscribers now and, er...actual Radio 1 asked me and Phil to do a Christmas show on there and we’re trying to see what more we can do with them. Since, you know, it’s a bit more stable than relying on some company to give us a bit of money to sponsor their products and all that.”

“Wait--Radio 1 wants you to work with them? Love, that’s fantastic! Maybe I’m out of the loop, but I didn’t even know there were 90,000 people who watched YouTube. Let alone big companies like that.”

“Oh my god, Mum, shush! I’m technically not allowed to say anything till November.” But Dan was giggling and that alone broke a bit of the tension Karen had been holding in her shoulders. “Anyway, yeah, there’s people who have millions of subscribers. Phil’s on his way to 200,000 already which is just...insane.”

As he was talking, though, something occurred to Karen that filled her heart near to bursting. “Well, I’m so glad you’ve got something to fall back on. You know...isn’t this kind of what you wanted to do all along? It’s not acting on a stage or in films but this is sort of like it, isn’t it? And you get to use your creativity. That’s gotta be really cool.”

“I...shit, I never thought of it that way but yeah! I mean, I get to use regular human English, so that’s pretty nice.”

He hesitated before adding, “Also...do you think you can tell Dad too? I’m not really up for a fifty minute lecture on how much of a disappointment I am.”

“Oh hon, I’m sure he won’t think that!” Despite the growing distance between them, the one thing Karen did know about James was that he wanted his sons to be happy above all else. And if that meant turning away a promising career for something far less predictable, potentially enduring the same financial struggles that had so plagued him and Karen?

Well, he’d just have to live with that.

“I know your dad can be tough, but he just wants what’s best for you and your brother. He and I both do, even if we disagree on what that ‘best’ is sometimes. But yes, I’ll tell him, no worries.”

And, inspired by her son’s new take-charge attitude, she did just that later that night.

Although, in hindsight, she wondered if maybe she shouldn’t have mentioned the other thing that had been bouncing around her head since the phone call. She would’ve told him anyway, of course--the idea meant way too much for her not to mention it. Just...maybe not when he already had one bombshell to process.

“You want to go _back_ to school?” James asked, sitting straight up in bed. “Karen, I’m sorry, but I really don’t think that’s a good idea right now. We’re just starting to pay off this credit card debt and now you want to rack up student debt on top of that?”

Now it was Karen’s turn to sit up, although it was hard to do when it felt like all her insides were falling out, with James stomping them into the ground for good measure.

“Excuse me? I know damn well how expensive Master’s programs are. I thought at the very least, you’d be supportive of this.”

Irritation flashed in his eyes and it was all Karen could do to keep from storming out right then.

“Of course I support you! But we’ve gotta be realistic. Adrian will be off to uni before we know it and he’s gonna need some guidance before he gets there. Do you really wanna stretch yourself that thin between classes and work? He needs you, now more than ever I’d think.”

A burning anger crackled in her then. Was he actually taking a jab at her disengagement with Dan? For fuck’s sake, she’d _tried_ then! She did everything she could…

Hadn’t she?

“It’s a two year program. If I started next year, I’d be finished before he even starts sixth form. And I can handle it all just fine--you know, the main reason I want to do this is so I can get a job I actually enjoy. I’d think you of all people would understand that.”

“Yes, but--”

“But what? I know things haven’t been great lately but we’re supposed to be a team. And I don't know what planet you've been living on but here on Earth, teams are supposed to support each other. Even if they don't always agree.”

Karen flicked off the frayed white duvet and stepped into her grey slippers which at this point, were probably older than Adrian. “You know what, I need some time to think. I’m gonna take a drive, I’ll be back later.”

And even though it was nearly midnight, she did just that.

When she got home, she curled up to sleep on the sofa, careful to set her alarm before Adrian’s so she wouldn’t worry him. She resolved to have an extra cup of coffee the next day too, despite knowing all the caffeine in the world wouldn’t boost her mood.

Because, really. How were you supposed to feel when it turned out the person you’ve built a life with will never become the man you’ve always wished he would be?

And what do you do when that man is keeping you from becoming the woman you’ve always wished you could be?


	6. Chapter 6

Karen hadn’t made it to forty-five without an incredibly strong will, though.

So throughout that next year, she burrowed away any information she could find on the Master’s in Philosophy program at the University of Reading, and the qualifications needed to become a philosophy professor at any of the nearby unis.

It felt like she was in her twenties again. As much as she’d grown, she’d always have that rebellious streak. It was nice to get it back.

Try as she did to fill her weekends with evenings out and visits with old friends, however, Karen had never felt so alone.

Nobody tells you how lonely falling out of love is, how polarizing. Some days she wondered if James had ever loved her to begin with. Others, she was furious with herself for dragging things out for so long, for allowing herself to settle for this less than ideal relationship for over twenty years now.

Then James would do something sweet for Adrian or her mum, and Karen would be confused all over again.

More than once. she’d thought she was going crazy from the sheer amount of emotions always running through her. That was when she’d restart her meditation and yoga routines.

(Therapy was too expensive and too long of a wait, she’d argued to herself. And she wasn’t about to burden her mum with problems she was certainly old enough to handle on her own.)

She couldn’t tell you why she stayed with James throughout the rest of 2011 and 2012. Perhaps she was scared of change. Perhaps she figured they’d work through this roadblock too. They had pushed through twenty years of disagreements, after all.

Or maybe a part of her thought, with a bit of luck and a lot of convincing, James would find it in his heart to support her.

If there was one thing those twenty-odd years were good for, they at least made her an expert James convincer.

That year, things in the Howell house were tense at best. Karen could tell Adrian felt the brunt of it, try as she did to shield him from it all.

But the Howells were troopers, especially Karen. So they pushed through.

She was just pushing through the final bits of her Reading Uni application one evening, in fact, when a call from Dan came out of nowhere.

That was...odd. He’d just been here last weekend for his twenty-first birthday. Well, she hoped everything was alright.

“Daniel! Hi hon, how are things?”

“They’re...alright. I guess.” His flat tone said otherwise, though.

Then, silence rang for far too long between them, so long that Karen had to hold her phone out to check that the call hadn’t disconnected.

“Well…” She did her best to force a laugh. “Was there, er, a reason you decided to call up your dear old mum on a Wednesday evening in late June?”

“Oh, er…” The flatness was still there, but it sounded like something had woken up at least. Or maybe Karen was just being incredibly optimistic.

“Yeah, I dunno, things have been hard with me and Phil lately and.I’m just wondering…” Silence roared again as Dan gathered his thoughts. “What do you do when the whole world seems to know about your relationship, but you need to hide it because it’s not for their eyes, but then all those people are screaming that they know you’re lying? Because I think I’m out of options.”

In that moment, he sounded far older than twenty-one. Maybe even older than Karen.

Her heart broke for him.

“Oh love, I had no idea! That’s way too much pressure, I can’t believe you have to deal with all that. But if I may...I’m just wondering, how come you’re asking me this? I mean, you know things haven’t been great between me and your dad for ages.”

“Uhhhh, I dunno. Maternal wisdom and all that?”

Amongst the darkness, a drop of humor snuck its way into his voice. Karen chose to hold onto that as she searched her brain for whatever wisdom she could offer.

“Well, I feel honored anyway.” She really did.

‘You know, as cheesy as it sounds, I think you have to listen to your heart here. You said Phil’s and your relationship is for your eyes only?”

“Yeah, plus we really can’t let the--the gay thing slip, since we’re super close to getting a BBC radio show and we can’t let anything get in the way of that.”

Pride burst in Karen then, the first strong emotion she’d felt in weeks. It was diminished, however, by the pain in her son’s voice. “A--a radio show? My god, love, that’s brilliant! But I completely understand. I know it’s hard but you have to remember that all those opinions don’t matter. Am I right in thinking they’re just internet people?”

“Yeah. Internet people that are supposed to be supporting me and Phil, but some of them are just awful when they think we’re not looking. All I can do is address everything as nicely as I can, but that’s fucking exhausting. and even then, it doesn’t work.”

“Well, gosh. But love, if your relationship really is that important to you, then it can withstand all that. It may be Dan and Phil against the world but it doesn’t have to be Dan and Phil against each other. You know?”

“Yeah. Damn Mum, have you always been this smart?” Finally, the flatness had mostly left Dan’s tone, replaced now with thoughtfulness.

“Of course. You know they don’t hand out first class honors degrees in philosophy to just anyone.”

“Alright but still,” Dan pressed, “what about everyone else? I can’t exactly ignore it, it’s my literal job.”

Her heart ached, but she did her best to push past that to gather some rational thoughts.

“Hmmmm. You can address it as much as you need to, I’d say, but then try not to draw attention to the subject again. They’ll have to stop after that, I would think.”

“Oh...I can try that, maybe.” He paused for a second, then added, all in a rush. “Oh, and speaking of that Radio 1 deal, Phil and I are--we’re moving to London next month. It’s kinda scary, but I’m well excited.”

London? Karen couldn’t quite believe it.

London was only an hour’s drive from Wokingham. It felt too good to be true. “You are? Daniel, that’s great! Oh, Nana will be so happy!”

“Yeah well, don’t get too excited. We’ll probably be too busy with the radio stuff and everything else to visit all the time.”

“Doesn’t matter. I’m just glad you’ll be closer. It’s weird, knowing you’re so far away right now.”

Who was this Karen? She’d barely gotten the chance to talk with her son when he came for his birthday but now she was telling him how excited she was to have him nearby? (Well...nearish.)

Truth be told, it felt good to pull back the latch on those feelings.

“Thanks, Mum.”

Hearing the smile in his voice, Karen felt like she’d won the greatest prize of all.

Maybe, she was learning, she’d always had the power to mend their relationship. She just had to work through some of her own issues first.

 

***

Inspired by the call, she decided that night to bring up her postgrad plans again. It had been almost a year anyway. Maybe she was right, and James did have a change of heart.

She should have known she wouldn’t get so lucky in one day.

“I thought I told you, Karen, it’s not a good idea right now,” James sighed. “We’re only just getting back on our feet. I can’t in good conscience agree with this when there’s so many things we need this money for.”

Perched atop the bedsheets, Karen felt her hands curl into fists without her thinking. “Look, I get it. We’re broke as fuck. But I’m trying to get us less broke, can’t you see?”

“Yes, and I get that, but--”

“But nothing.” Karen cut him off. "You know, ever since Daniel dropped out, it's become more and more clear that the only life worth living is one I'm passionate about. And I'm sorry but my passion will  _never_ lie in finance."

It hit her all at once. What right did James have to tell Karen what she could and couldn’t do with her life? Yes, they were supposed to be partners, raising their boys together and providing at least a semi-stable life for them. But nothing about this moment felt stable.

Nothing about their entire relationship had felt stable, honestly.

This was Karen’s life. Hers, and no one else’s. And if she wanted to take out thousands of pounds in student loans to pull herself out of this awful rut, then she damn well would.

Bolstered by her son finally opening up to her, she added, “I think we need to take a break. See who we are without the other, maybe even become the people we want to be. Because this--” she waved her hand between them "hasn't been working for ages, and I'm starting to wonder if it ever did."

Astoundingly, it didn’t hurt to say those words. Instead, it was more of a relief.

It was even more relieving to see the irritation slide off of James’s face, replaced instead with resignation.

“You know, I’ve sort of been thinking the same thing. I know things haven’t been too great for a while. But who’s gonna tell Adrian? And Daniel?”

“I can,” Karen sighed. “Did you know, actually, Dan’s moving to London next month with Phil? They’re working on getting a show on Radio 1.”

“Is he? Well, that’s great for them! I guess I was wrong about YouTube, huh?”

It was nice to see his eyes shining with pride for once.

Nice, but nothing to write home about.

In a strange way, Karen was looking forward to this break. She always had been fiercely independent, even if she’d lost it along the way ever since Dan’s gap year.

Maybe this was her chance to get that back, for good this time.

 

***

As it turned out, life as a single woman was freeing.

Difficult too, of course, as she had to learn to be a single mother of a moody teenager on top of all that. But it was far better than feeling stuck in a marriage that hadn’t been working for years and years.

“You’re much lighter these days,” her mum spoke up one weekend in August. “I expect this break was a good idea, then?”

“Best idea I ever had,” Karen exhaled, pulling out a kitchen chair and plopping down in it as she watched her mum at the counter. “Is that bad of me to say?”

“No, of course not!” Veronica paused in her zucchini cutting to fix her eyes on Karen’s. She had a few more wrinkles these days, but her demeanor was just as sprightly as always. “As long as you don’t have ill feelings, of course.”

Karen took a moment to think. “No, I don’t think so. I mean, I am kind of annoyed he still doesn’t support my uni plans but that’s his problem.”

“Mmmm, perhaps it is. But I’m proud of you, love. You know you’re free to talk about anything you feel with me, right?”

“Yeah. Thank you, Mum, I appreciate that.”

God, she wished she’d known that a year ago. Maybe that was okay, though.

Maybe she was meant to go through that alone. She sure felt so much stronger for it anyway, and that alone was exhilarating.


	7. Chapter 7

Not one to rush into things too quickly, Karen chose to wait a few months before deciding anything to do with the future of her and James’s relationship.

By January, though, she couldn’t delay the inevitable any longer. Everyone seemed much more relaxed, including Adrian.

So shortly after the new year, Karen took the initiative to file for divorce.

It was a sad day, but empowering too. Mostly, she was grateful this was a mutual decision that nobody was too upset by. She knew of far too many messy divorces that had ended in hurt feelings and shouting matches, and even more where the kids were deeply hurt too.

She knew her mum was talking to Adrian about his feelings, guiding him through the whole process, and Karen felt so lucky for that.

She felt even luckier, however, when both Dan and Phil happened to stop by for her birthday in February.

With the sky such a murky grey and weather reporters predicting a snowstorm on the horizon, she hadn’t expected much in regards to celebration. Forty-seven was just another year on the calendar, nothing more.

Her mum had made a cake like she always did, and Karen appeared bashful but secretly basked in the attention as Veronica sang happy birthday and Adrian swung his arms back and forth in embarrassment. She’d gone out with a few friends from her postgrad program on Saturday night, other mums like her in the throes of their own midlife crises, desperate to feel a bit of passion again and to uncover once and for all what life was all about.

Much to her delight, though, the biggest joy came from the two tall boys who sat far closer together than necessary at the kitchen table on Wednesday evening. Tiny dishes of cake were shoved in front of them by Veronica, who had squealed upon opening the door to her grandson.

Amidst the celebratory air, though, something felt off, Karen couldn’t quite put her finger on it but she thought it might’ve had something to do with the concern lacing both their faces.

Since when had they begun to look so much older than twenty-one and twenty-six? At this point, Dan was taller than Phil, although you couldn’t tell from the way he stood.

He still had that baby face, though. There was something Karen really loved about that.

It was Dan, too, who finally broke the silence.

“So, er, Mum...not to ruin your birthday or anything, but I just wanted to know--how’s the divorce and everything coming along? Nana said things were going alright but I know it’s gotta be hard too…”

Phil nodded eagerly and for the briefest second, Karen thought she might burst into tears.

Her son had grown into such a kind and caring person already. Was this the same boy who’d brushed off her every attempt to make conversation just three years ago?

She took a deep breath, though, and attempted to arrange her features into something resembling normalcy. “Wow Daniel, thank you so much for asking. But you know, I think the worst of it is behind us. At this point, it mostly just feels like a relief.”

Both boys nodded at that.

“I can definitely understand,” Phil said sagely. “From everything Dan told me, it sounded like it hadn’t been great for a while now. And if you don’t mind me asking, how’s Adrian taking it?”

Again, Karen was touched by the compassion. “You’re right about that,” she sighed. “And honestly? It’s been quite rough for him but I think he’ll be alright. It’s those damn teenage years. But hey, those turned out alright for you, Daniel, yeah?”

The grimace he pulled sent a wave of guilt coursing through her. “Er...I mean, I _guess_ …”

Another uncomfortable silence rose between them then. That same guilt pounded horribly in Karen’s chest. In her head, her mother’s words from years ago echoed back at her.

_Daniel probably felt abandoned all those years. I think a sincere apology would do a lot to heal those wounds._

She snuck a quick look at her son, who was intently focused on pushing around the crumbs on his tiny plate, curled in on himself yet again.

Maybe it wouldn’t do much. But maybe her mum did have a point after all.

After a few moments, she couldn’t take the shame anymore.

“Er...Daniel?”

She hated how squeaky she sounded, how Dan whipped his head up with fear in his eyes, as if he’d done something wrong.

Karen cleared her throat, clasping her hands tight in her lap. “I think I owe you an apology for your teenage years. I wasn’t exactly the best mum and your father wasn’t always the best dad. You deserved better parents and I’m sorry we couldn’t be that for you.”

She couldn’t bear to look at her son for a few moments, choosing instead to fix her eyes on the little embroidered flowers along the edge of her white tablecloth.

When she did steal a glance, though, she found a whole host of emotions playing behind his eyes.

She also saw the way Phil laid a hand on his arm, just as he had the first time he’d visited, and noticed the extremely brief but meaningful eye contact they shared.

When Dan spoke, Karen was shocked to hear a hitch in his voice. “Thank you, Mum. I really appreciate that. I think I kinda get it now, though. I don’t think I’d be ready for a kid in a few years, and Phil isn’t either. I’m sorry for, er, disrupting your life with my presence.”

Both Phil’s and Karen’s eyes went wide then. Karen flushed with shame and anger at her past self.

“Hon, no! Please don’t think that way about yourself.” A part of her wanted to reach across and take his hands in both of hers, but she didn't want to scare him off. So she clasped her hands again in her lap, tighter this time.

“Maybe I wasn’t at all prepared for a baby in my twenties, or for two teenagers at any point, and I’m sorry for that. But you kids have taught me a lot about what’s important in life. Your nana might have a point with all this ‘universe putting certain people in our life’ kinda stuff.”

“You bet your God-fearing butt I do!” Veronica called from the lounge. Everyone laughed at that.

And just like that, a bit of the tension was lifted between Karen and her elder son. She knew things weren’t perfect--but she did feel much more comfortable texting him out of the blue, knowing she wouldn’t be irritating him.

Perhaps it wasn’t too late for her to become a better mum.

Yes, she’d made a lot of mistakes with Dan. But maybe she (and Phil, and anyone else who cared that much about her son) could make things better too.

 

***

She took much joy in watching Dan and Phil from the sidelines then, and cheering them on whenever she could. Maybe she didn’t understand it all but it did feel amazing watching her son interview some of the bands she’d so often heard pouring from his room during his high school years.

After much begging the next year, Adrian had convinced her to adopt a new dog, this one a tiny Tibetan terrier they called Colin.

She’d fallen in love with his photos on the rescue organization’s website and was delighted to find the dog was even friendlier in person. He made an instant connection with everyone who met him, which only burrowed him further into her heart. Better yet, Dan _adored_ him, and Colin latched onto that love instantly.

Karen was loving her life as a single woman, too. Finishing her Master’s degree had been one of the proudest accomplishments of her life, but she didn’t stop there. Persuaded by her professors who’d been impressed by her dedication to research and well thought out arguments, she’d begun work on her PhD just as Adrian was starting his uni search.

As it turned out, thesis writing wasn’t nearly as bad as she’d imagined it long ago. Plus, she’d been offered an assistant professor position at the University of Reading, which was far more fulfilling than that finance office had ever been.

Then Dan had called to tell her about a stage show he and Phil were taking around the UK, and hopefully the rest of the world, and Karen couldn’t contain her excitement. She, Adrian, Veronica, and even James all traveled down to London on a chilly but beautiful evening in early November to see that show for themselves.

Dan shined just as bright, if not brighter, than he had ten years ago. Watching him _finally_ live his dream after struggling through all that self doubt...well, Karen would be lying if she said that didn’t bring a tear to her eye.

She was lucky to have family so close by. Otherwise, there was no way she would’ve been able to hold back the sea of emotions pulsing inside her.

When the show was over, they all drove back to Wokingham like old times, and Karen took immense joy in celebrating the hell out of her son and his partner.

And when they had a whole new show a couple years later, she was more than happy to do it all over again, even if James was already off doing another movie. This time, however, Dan insisted on having the celebration at his and Phil’s flat.

That May night wasn’t the first time she (or Adrian or her mum) had seen the flat but Karen was hit all over again by how much _Dan_ was in there. Phil, too.

More than the last one, this flat was the perfect mold of their personalities. She almost couldn’t believe it was a temporary home.

She was stunned too by how gracious and generous both Dan and Phil were as hosts, and how their new hairstyles gave them both a soft air of confidence that shone throughout the night. Was this really the same son who’d hated having people over when he was in school? Who'd refused to leave the house without nearly burning his forehead with those damn straighteners?

It was all she could do to keep her heart from exploding all over the streets of London and beyond.

Yet it was a quiet confrontation from Dan right before they all left that meant more to Karen than anything else that night.

With Adrian, Veronica, and Phil all champagne-drunk and giggling on the balcony, Dan had motioned her to join him inside at the dining table with something between anticipation and fear playing behind his eyes.

“So, I’ve been thinking about some things my therapist said recently,” he said once they’d both sat down. “And...I think I owe you an apology for shutting you out when I first met Phil. I guess I was afraid you wouldn’t understand but you’ve actually been really good about it all and Dad too, for the most part. And that’s pretty cool.”

Karen didn’t know what to say for a few moments. So Dan really had grown up. That in itself was amazing to see.

Eventually, she chose to just say what was on her mind.

“Wow, Daniel, I...thank you. That means a lot to me.”

They shared a soft smile for the briefest of seconds, then something occurred to her.

“You know,” she added, feeling her smile growing bigger, “speaking of you and Phil, if you ever need any pointers in finding a house and a dog, I’d be happy to help in any way I can. I’m sure there’s tons of corgi organizations like the one where I found Colin, especially here in London.”

She watched in amusement as Dan’s face filled with a childlike wonder, much like the time she’d allowed him to first visit Phil. “Really? I mean, we’ve sorta got a world to tour first but--but yeah, that sounds awesome! Thank you, Mum. I promise this time I’ll actually try to keep in touch more.”

“Oh, no worries. I think it’s the least I can do as your mum now, honestly.”

And, staring out into the glittery London skyline as her family’s voices floated through the air like paper lanterns at a birthday party, she allowed a quiet sense of accomplishment to settle over her.

Maybe she hadn’t known how to raise a teenager a decade ago. But has anyone ever known?

Dan was mostly happy now, and successful, despite her many faults. He was caring and considerate, and loved nothing more than helping someone else through a hard time. And he’d found someone who cared so deeply for him, who knew him just as well, if not better than Karen herself and would always be there for him.

So maybe she had succeeded as a mother after all.

And maybe those people were right when they said it was one of the greatest things a woman could do. Because damn, did it feel amazing.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you SO much for reading, and I hope you enjoyed! <3
> 
>  
> 
> [Reblog here!](https://phloridas.tumblr.com/post/185107889859/an-act-of-infinite-optimism)


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